


te besé

by littledhampir



Category: Agent Carter (TV), Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, BAMF Peggy Carter, Day 7, F/M, Feels, Fluff and Angst, Howard Stark is a good friend, Idiots in Love, Period-Typical Sexism, Steggy - Freeform, Steggy Week, Steggy Week 2020, Steve knows how to use his charm, The author cried while writting this, They are so beautiful together I want to cry, This Author Regrets Nothing, This author is a masochist, Written Pre-Avengers: Endgame, Written Pre-Avengers: Infinity War, but she also needs a hug, i live for the angst, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-26
Updated: 2020-07-25
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:21:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 25,462
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25517200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littledhampir/pseuds/littledhampir
Summary: “With all of her love, all of her soul and all her body, she kissed him. And he kissed her back, retaking all of what those years apart took from them. With all the intensity of the red, all of the anticipation of the wait, all of the regret of leaving her, he kissed her. In a kiss, fire and heaven met once more. And they didn’t plan that to be the only time again.”or, a few snippets and hidden key moments of Steve and Peggy's story.
Relationships: Peggy Carter & Howard Stark, Peggy Carter/Steve Rogers, Steve Rogers & Howard Stark
Comments: 4
Kudos: 34





	1. part one

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! This was written for the Steggy Week 2020, day 7. Prompt: Free Choice.  
> It's based on the song "Te Besé" by Leonel García ft. Maria José. It goes something like this:
> 
> “Only once have I crossed the distance between your lips and me,  
> only once have I felt the fire of your skin.  
> Only once have I held your warmth in my hands, and I kissed you.  
> Only once I could entangle myself in your arms,  
> only once and I take you in the midst of a million dreams.  
> Only once have I touched paradise with my fingers, and I kissed you.  
> Just once and I can't breathe anymore,  
> because there's no one that could take your place.  
> Just once and fear wants to kill me,  
> I don't know if it will ever happen again.  
> Just once and you have changed the meaning of time...  
> now one second is the measure of missing you so much.  
> Just once and there is nothing more than that magical moment of when I kissed you.”
> 
>   
> English isn't my first language, so please forgive me for any mistakes. This has been beta read, but you never know. If you find anything wrong, please, just message me and I'll fix it.
> 
> Also, I have a Steggy playlist on Spotify, if you want an enhanced experience, you can check it out [here](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6yjnU7KMQp7ZK3rks78N37?si=pbAhaM3JT9Of0RDb0TEidA) haha.
> 
> Hope you'll enjoy it!

_Solo una vez he tocado el paraíso con mis dedos y te besé, te besé, te besé…_

_(...) con toda el alma y la piel, yo te besé_

_(Only once have I touched paradise with my fingers and I kissed you, I_ _kissed you, I kissed you..._

_(...) with all my soul and skin, I kissed you)_

_Te Besé – Leonel García ft._ _Maria José_

•

**MAY OF 1945**

**STORK CLUB, NEW YORK**

She was there, sitting alone at the bar and watching the ice in her whiskey melt for about fifty minutes now. Her head was constantly raising – and she could feel her eyes suddenly unfocusing for watching the same spot for so long –, looking for the clock behind the counter. However, before her eyes could meet it, she would deflect them, fearing what she would find written there. Peggy didn’t want to know for sure what time it was. The woman knew it should be past a _certain_ hour, but the anxiety of not knowing was infinitely better than the agony of looking at the clock and confirming what the logical part of her brain knew. _You’re deluding yourself,_ her consciousness said. _You know it’s impossible._

Yes, it was impossible, but her heart couldn’t help but hope. She didn’t know what she would do in case that damn logical part was right.

Peggy was a woman ahead of her time, some would say. She was independent, and there wasn’t a soul alive she would take orders from. Yes, she took orders at work (despite most of them being ridiculous), but it was only in a professional environment. In her personal life, she was the boss of herself. Unlike the most women around her – that was the forties, after all – she didn’t depend on a man for her life to have meaning. She had an important and significant job to support herself; she was a big girl and could make it on her own. Margaret Carter was what it would be called in the future a feminist, since she believed that she could do much more than just being a wife for someone or a baby breeder. Peggy wanted to make a difference, she knew her value and was determined to prove it.

Yet, everything lost a little bit of significance comparing to him. It wasn’t that she was contradictory or a hypocrite, but Carter just had priorities. Yes, she wanted to be someone, far from just being a trophy wife, she wanted to change the world, even if it would take her whole life. But that was exactly why he was so perfect for her. He understood that need, because he had it too. He believed in her, encouraged and cheered for her success, always giving her the required respect by the hierarchy and on the job. He would constantly show pride on her achievements, encouraging her to achieve more and more. The point wasn’t that she needed all this, because the truth was that she didn’t. The point was that she wanted all that support, and suddenly he was there, ready to give her.

Together with the amazing person that he was, with all of his qualities; his determination on doing what was right, his character, beliefs and values that nothing about that war was right, and the persistence on ending it as soon as possible to end all that suffering; the goodness and kindness that he showed to every and any one in the SSR, from the youngest private to the eldest general... Peggy could spend the night listing his qualities. He didn’t have just virtues, of course, she had so many stories about what his flaws caused. His impatience, how eager he was to take on the world with just a wooden shield; his stubbornness, his difficulty to assume being wrong and the insistency on doing things his way even when he admitted he was wrong. His artist soul, even though she loved so much this trait of him, would come accompanied with a tendency to a dramatic side that she almost found it funny. However, the ironic part was that his flaws only complemented him. He would not be that person without them, and that was why she loved it all, because all of those flaws only made him perfect.

Peggy was sure that even if she wasn’t completely and madly in love with him, Steve still would be one of the best men that she’d ever met, deserving every ounce of admiration the world was willing to give him. But, she was indeed in love. And Steven Grant Rogers was definitively perfect.

He was perfect for her. He was her right partner. The love of her life.

In a perfect world, she would move to New York after the war and they would dive into the relationship. Maybe they would even get married, surrounded by close friends. The Howling Commandos, Howard, Colonel Phillips, Bucky... they would get married, she would continue working as an agent for the SSR and he would carry on his military career, or maybe he would go back to art school and would become a professional artist; anything his dreams would demand.

A few years would go by with them just enjoying one another and then, when the time was right and she was stable at work, they could have children. Maybe two or three kids, no gender preferences, provided that they would be born healthy and maybe with those gorgeous baby blue eyes that she loved so much. They would finally have a family, since Steve lost his mother so young and never met his father, and she still was mourning her brother’s death and lost all contact with her family to protect them from her work during the war.

Their children would grow up so loved, with so many “uncles” and that would tell them so many stories about their parents, two magnets for trouble. Bucky would tell all the trouble that Steve got in when the two of them were kids, the mischief that the duo made when they was their age. With the Howling Commandos, Barnes would tell war stories and how their dad was so brave to the point he was foolish, their mother so fearless and willing to take the whole world, and how their father only had eyes for her since the first time he saw her, at Camp Lehigh. They would teach the kids fight moves and tactics and alongside Howard, they would shower them with gifts. When the kids were big enough she would go back to work, still eager to change the world, refusing to give her hard-earned space and Steve would support her, because he recognized her value and knew how important it was to her. And they would grow old together that way, always supporting each other, always being each other’s rock and safe heaven and a team. Always so madly in love with each other. Fights, arguments, hard times and trials would come, but she knew they would have perseverance and would win whatever obstacle life would throw them, just as they had won the war.

Only that it wasn’t a perfect world. They had won the war but they hadn’t defeated fate. They hadn’t defeated death. That was the real world, and in the real world Steve Rogers was dead.

With all her insides tearing apart with that thought, consuming her with each passing second and threatening to take all the strength that was making her stand, she knew that she couldn’t run away anymore. She couldn’t fool herself anymore, because the illusion her mind was creating was hurting just as much as the reality. So, Peggy finally looked at the clock. It read a time that made her heart hurt, the air escape from her lungs and tears form on her eyes. It was half past eight, May 17. It was half past eight on Saturday night. Thirty minutes had passed, and despite a desperate part of her that was clinging to the thought that he was just late, just as when he was back from rescuing the 107º, her heart was breaking facing the cruelest truth: Steve Rogers wasn’t there because he wouldn’t come, at all. He wouldn’t come because he was dead, trapped on a plane somewhere on the Atlantic, with just water and ice to accompany him to the morbid eternity. He was in a place so remote that no search expedition found any sign of life for thousands of miles. Not even his was found.

She turned her head to the entrance so fast that people outside, across the street, must have heard the snap her neck made. Her frantic eyes sought the room, desperate to find a blue-eyed blond tall man, on his green uniform and with a shy smile on his face. Every second that went by panic spread and a cold sensation took over her bones, giving her the impression she could be naked in the snow, such was the perception of her insides freezing. A claustrophobic feeling went up her throat, and she panted and panted, but no air was coming into her body. Peggy was drowning, more and more, drowning on her emotions until she was at the bottom of the ocean with Steve, with his company and not sitting at a bar waiting for someone that wasn’t coming. Someone she would never see again.

It was only when she felt a sob, two, three escape her lips that she came back to herself again. Peggy was trying not cry, but she couldn’t stop the tears that were streaming down her face, the immense sadness and emptiness that were taking her over her body and stopping her from regain control. She only felt this way once before in her life: when she saw British army officers at her door, declaring to her parents the death of her brother, Michael. She remembered trying to scream, but no sound leaving her lips, the sheer amount of force she was imposing on her vocal cords, incapable to reproduce that sound. A sound that was the definition of pure desolation, of hopelessness, of a grief never seen before.

Peggy should be grateful that her vocal cords couldn’t reproduce the sound coming from her heart being smashed by the massive grief involving it, or the people around her at the bar would certainly be scared for their lives. People always got scared with destruction, so she didn’t have a doubt that they would be scared with the translation of all the ruin and devastation her soul carried transforming into noise. If death had a sound, that would be it.

But not even she, an Englishwoman that cherished decorum, could be bothered. So incapacitated by her feelings, she just sat on the bench in the bathroom she couldn’t remember going into. She lifted her legs up, not caring even a little bit that her shoes were on the leather seat or that she was still in public. She just held her legs, lowered her head onto her knees and wept. Weeping she sobbed, in pieces and lost in her own world.

Not even when Steve went down with her listening to it through the transmitter, Peggy felt so hopeless, desperate and useless. She remembered screaming at the coms, tears falling like waterfalls down her face. She remembered someone’s arms involving her, probably Dum Dum’s, and taking her away from the control panel. She had spent at least an hour weeping in her friend’s arms, desolated after hearing Steve drown.

Nobody said anything to her, after finally spilling everything of her in those tears, leaving her in a catatonic state, almost numb after crying so much. Little did they knew that each second that went by she felt like a part of herself was drowning with him. Drowning on her herself, feeling the burning of drowning all over her body, feeling the weight of water pressing and compressing her, squeezing her like it wanted to smash her existence away. Not that she cared. But she just stayed quiet, the exhaustion of the emotional turmoil of those last days, with everything she went through on those last hours, depleting her until a point of not being able to do nothing but breathe. _Something that Steve wasn’t doing,_ Peggy remembered her brain adding unnecessarily.

But no, nobody uttered not even a word to her. What was left to say, after all? All of them there cared about Steve. All of them regarded him at least as a colleague, as a friend, as a brother. And, when they had heard about James’ loss, they knew that there weren’t words to ease the gap he left behind. It was because of that she didn’t care about the lack of consolation, and was satisfied with just the presence of her friends. Dum Dum, Gabe, Morita, Galsworthy... all of them, at some point of that terrible, horrible day hugged her silently, squeezing her against them for a few moments, and she could feel their tears falling on her shoulder. Maybe she should have felt better, seeing that she was not the only one hurting so painfully. Redundancy? No. It was that her pain were so vast, that the only intensity she could describe it, it was comparing it with itself. However, not even it could comfort her. Instead, the reality was that it only made her feel worse, seeing the size Steve was. She always knew he was bigger than life itself, but to truly see how much of that division was the Captain, the importance he held and what he represented... it only made the ocean of tempest inside wanting to devour her grow. Peggy didn’t even try to fight it, she had just let it drag her deeper and deeper, consuming her entirely. She could be at a HYDRA base, but for all effects, it was as if she was drowning with Steve.

After Phillips, she thought she would be alone for the rest of night, the colonel hugging her for the first time since they had met, almost four years before. Maybe she would find it ironic at some other point, but in that instant, it was somebody else’s arms that she wanted around her. Peggy would rather never had a physical demonstration from her boss, the one she almost saw as a father figure, if it meant being in another situation. If it meant Steve being alive.

•

**MARCH OF 1942**

**CAMP LEHIGH, NEW JERSEY**

Peggy remembered the early days. In fact, the first time she ever saw him. She was at Camp Lehigh helping Phillips and Dr. Erskine with the recruitment for Project Rebirth, and because of it, she was one of the people in charge of the privates’ training. While with one of the first’s troops, an asshole decided to be a smartass with her, and the agent showed him the power behind a right hook well punched. Satisfied with her point being made, but a little embarrassed for being caught by Phillips, she turned her eyes away just to find a blond man, a little – or maybe more than a little, but who was she to discriminate – short and too skinny to be at that camp, looking at her with admiration and disbelief. Basing on the light smile his lips were wearing, she suspected that he had approved of her actions. She felt the impulse to wink at him with the secret complicity that was forming between them, but thought better not to distract him from the lecture the colonel was ready to give.

Placing herself beside her boss, she had spent the time Phillips was addressing the recruits observing the blond private. If she was being honest, she would admit she didn’t understand how he was there, but his devoted complexion taken with so much determination showed her otherwise, that he wouldn’t be pushed aside so easily. Being another person that fought the system and swam at a different direction, Peggy could admire the confidence the man showed by being there.

The days went by, and soon she learned his name. Private Steven Grant Rogers, who was handpicked by Dr. Erskine himself to be there. Intimate with and knowing the scientist the way she knew, she respected his judgment. If the german doctor thought Rogers should be there, she endorsed the idea.

Not that everyone shared that same opinion, though. Phillips only knew how to complain about the man’s presence when he saw him, and the other recruits were determined to ensure Rogers knew they didn’t think he should be there, reaching the point they hindered him on purpose at training. However, even with almost everyone telling him no and trying to make him quit, Rogers persevered. And he triumphed. No matter his health issues, the physical disadvantages he had comparing with the others or how much time would take, he always completed all the exercises. Each one of them, with an effort that seemed to take every ounce of his strength, but he completed them. Each day that passed Peggy was more and more confident in the doctor’s choice, and with every day her admiration for the blonde’s determination grew more and more.

The agent didn’t want to admit, but she was really impressed with Steve’s cunning on beating the rest of the troop at the flag challenge. None of the commanding officers believed that someone could take it, it wasn’t just a story that no one took it in seventeen years, since the flag was placed there. But, to her surprise, instead of taking a breath and rest a little, or even join in the dispute that was really about showing who were more manly, he just stood there, a few feet away, observing the scene with calculating eyes. Peggy knew instantly that he was up to something, but she had never imagined that the answer was taking the pin off and wait the pole fall to catch the damn flag.

The woman wanted to laugh at the surprised look on the supervisor’s face and the disbelief of the rest of the troop, especially when he gave a teasing and cocky smile and entered the car with her. A laugh escaped from her lips when the blond man smiled and nodded with his helmet at her. Pleasantly taken aback, she just turned to the front of the car with a smile of her own still on her lips. Even so, after a few moments, when they got to the central part of the base and got off the jeep, she had to say something.

“You really surprised everyone back there. Who would believe that it could be so easy?” Commented the agent, her lips curled in a light smile. They had the same height basically, so it wasn’t difficult to look him in the eyes, and she noticed a slight redness appear across his cheeks, that had nothing to do with the previous workout. It only made her urge to smile grow. Trying to control her reaction to the recruit, she asked herself: could he be more adorable?

“Everyone couldn’t wait to show some strength, and sometimes they forget not everything is just about biceps or triceps. Sometimes, the only muscle needed is the brain,” answered Rogers, shrugging, as if it was nothing. That took a laugh out of her.

“Obviously, but not everybody thinks this way. There are some who would say you cheated,” she joked, and could see his cheeks turn redder. She really shouldn’t, but couldn’t help herself from feeling a little mesmerized by him. Rogers was so different from all the recruits at the base, she wanted more of his company. It would be a welcoming change from all the stupid recruits that only knew how to hit on her and insult her. Sometimes in the same sentence. “I’m going to get some tea at the cafeteria, while the others don’t arrive. Walk with me?”

With a shy nod, making her think that he probably never had talked that much to a woman before and asking herself if he would ever come back to his natural color, both of them walked towards the camp dining hall. It was a shame that he was so shy, or maybe she could have an interesting conversation that wasn’t about military issues or with a patronizing tone. It was why she was startled when he started talking again.

“Nobody said how we were supposed to get the flag. Just that we should try to get it. The method doesn’t matter much when the strategy is good.”

With somebody else it would sound arrogant and presumptuous, but the way Steve said it, with a calm and disconnection about the incident surprised her, once again, that day.

Any other private would be bragging to anyone who would listen, but the blond man beside her just walked quietly, switching between looking at their surroundings and his feet. Peggy might be young, but she wasn’t naive. She knew her presence was bewildering to him, but not in a bad way. Just like a lot of things she was learning about him, it only made her more curious about the other things that she could discover. So, both on the way to and on the way out of the cafeteria, she asked him questions, making conversation. He answered them shyly, bashfully, and fumbled on some of the sentences, but it only made it more endearing to her, making her new affection for him grow even more.

While they waited for the others, Steve – _please, Agent Carter, you don’t have to call me Private Rogers. You can call me Steve_ – told her how he ended up at Lehigh. Despite all his physical impairments, he desperately wanted to serve. Not to fight, not to reach for glory. No, he was inspired by his dad, who died on the previous war, and by his best friend, Bucky Barnes, a sergeant from the 107° infantry regiment who was somewhere on Europe at the moment.

“I know almost everyone only see my size or my health issues, but how could I be safe at home when there are people fighting for me to have that right? When there are people giving their lives for me to live mine? No. I need to do something; I know I can do something. Even if they don’t believe me. I will prove my worth.” Declared the man beside her. The conviction from before came back with full force, and she had to admit that she fell a little in love by his passionate speech. Steve had proven that he wasn’t just a man of words, and Peggy was more and more sure that he would get what he wanted. So much stubbornness had to culminate somewhere, she knew well. That was why she identified with him so much. She knew what it was like to fight the world to show her worth.

It was hypnotizing the willingness, the character he showed. She knew good men, but with every interaction with Steve, no matter how little, he exceeded each and every expectation and comparison she had. She didn’t recall thinking so good of someone except for Michael, and in some moments she even thought that he surpassed her brother on such characteristics.

Nonetheless, determination and conviction only didn’t win wars. Effort, Steve already presented it every day. Courage, he had a little too much of it. But what really made him be the chosen one, since, in the end, it was Dr. Erskine’s choice, was what happened with the fake grenade. Steve entered the Project for the same reasons others like Colonel Phillips wanted him out: for being who he was.

There were tons of other men who had the courage to be on a battlefield. To willing sacrifice himself, with no hesitation whatsoever, even if he didn’t know who he was sacrificing himself for, was exactly the type of person Dr. Erskine wanted.

Peggy, when she saw the grenade, went for it without thinking twice, but was surprised to find Steve on the ground, covering the object with his body, telling people to distance themselves while he took the hypothetical bullet. It seemed that it wasn’t a surprise anymore, being surprised by Steve, but she didn’t understand (or didn’t want to understand) or prevent the wave of affection it took her body when she saw him on the ground, vehemently trying to protect everyone around him. Of course, the total disregard about his own well-being worried her a little, but the most recent proof of the great character of that man took all of her attention. She barely knew him, but already had the utmost respect for him, and knew the blond man was one of the best people she would ever meet in her lifetime. And Steve? Little did he know, but just by being himself, he already proved his worth.

•

**APRIL OF 1946**

**STORK CLUB, NEW YORK**

The agent wanted to say she wasn’t a regular at the place, but that would be a lie. She probably would be there every saturday, if her work would let her. Just as emergencies and crimes to investigate didn’t have a certain time to occur, she couldn’t predict when she could or couldn’t go to the establishment. But anyway, even with her living in the city for only four months, the staff at the bar already saw her more than anyone that wasn’t her insufferable coworkers.

The first time, she went there just because she thought it was a nice gesture to say goodbye to Steve – even if she already said goodbye to him one too many times to be acceptable –, honoring the date they agreed on in his last moments. She didn’t want to admit at the time, but she had expected to see the man there, and it tore her heart open when reality came knocking down.

It still hurt, truthfully, and she didn’t know why she kept coming back. A year went by since he went missing, and the woman kept going to the club periodically, always to remember him. Maybe it was a way to feel closer to him, even if they never been there together. Maybe it was a way to keep him alive – as if her memories weren’t enough, the mementos and little keepsakes she kept about him.

The point was that Stork Club, somehow, even if hurt every cell in her body every time she went there, would always be a place to remember Steve. The problem was the bar also represented what she would never have, and that was why she felt torn apart, shattered every time she went there. She wasn’t a masochist, and already suffered with the loss of the Captain enough every day without that kind of torture. She just couldn’t help it sometimes.

It was what happened after all that mess with Howard’s mission. Going through the past archives and finding Steve’s file, the one with the photo she loved so much, being in Europe with the Howling Commandos, and, how could she forget, her desperate attempt to make a hypnotized Howard come back with his plane and give up what he was planning on. If that wasn’t a trigger for memories, she didn’t know what was.

Peggy had to get out. Howard offered her accommodation at his penthouse in New York, since he was the reason she got evicted in the first place, but the apartment seemed to be closing around her while she processed everything that she felt with the outcome of her mission. She needed to get out, and it was what she did. Part of her always knew she would end up at Stork Club. It was where, after all, she went when Steve’s loss threatened to consume her whole being. Of course, it would still consume her, but at least she wouldn’t be alone. That was their place, and if there was a place in New York that made her feel close to Steve, it was the club.

Maybe it was why she shouldn’t be so surprised when she left the turmoil of thoughts running around her mind and realized that she was at the club, with a drink in hand. Where would she go, after all? But, maybe it was the voice that sounded behind her, startling her with its presence.

“I thought I’d find you here.”

“Howard.” Peggy said, sounding astounded while turning around and finding the scientist looking at her with a crooked smile that to others would look like flirting, but to her it was impossible to miss the sad traits in his face. “Enjoying the freedom and the public’s good graces again?”

“I’d always been on the public’s good graces, Peg” mocked him, coming at her direction and sitting beside her. He caught the bartender’s attention and indicated that he wanted the same as her, whiskey neat. “It’s you government folks that don’t decide if you guys like me or not.”

She snorted, taking a sip from her glass while he received his and did the same. She couldn’t say it was an exaggeration or drama, because it sure looked like the government one minute loved Howard Stark, and in the next one wanted his head on a pitchfork. But, to be fair, they had all theirs allies on that same treatment.

“How did you know?” Peggy asked without looking at him, kind of guessing the answer already. She hated how her friend was one of the few people who could read her like a book. She questioned herself if by chance he found her pathetic for such behavior. Not that it mattered, of course, but it would be interesting to know if other people had the same opinion about her. “How did you know I was here?”

“I may not have been present at that moment, but I know what happened in that Hydra control room, Peggy. I know about the date. And considering what we went through... I knew you would be missing him just as much – or maybe even more, to be honest – as me.” The brunette man said with a gentle tone, one she rarely heard him use. She knew all of Steve’s closest friends knew what happened. Maybe if she cared more about other people’s opinions, or maybe if she didn’t had the same sentimental interest about that moment, she would be more embarrassed, fearing they thought her to be a naive romantic, or maybe even thought of her as weak. But it didn’t matter. That moment was hers and Steve’s, and it didn’t matter what they thought about it. But Howard’s tone wasn’t one of judgement. Or of pity. No, he just sounded... sad. Like he regretted the whole situation. Peggy knew he blamed himself about the Captain’s loss just as much as she blamed herself, and knew it wouldn’t do any good to tell him anything, because it didn’t worked with her, and he was as just as stubborn as she was.

“I miss him every day, Howard.” She admitted. Maybe it was the man’s eccentricity, or his confidence on her that made her comfortable enough to admit it to him. Or maybe she just was tired of carrying her grief for Steve alone, and she didn’t care anymore how it would sound. “What happened on your so called rescue didn’t bring anything new.”

“Truth. But it brought back the past. Memories of the last day.” He shot back. Oh, how she hated when he was logical. Why couldn’t he be oblivious and unaware of what happened around him? But the millionaire went on, not waiting for a response from her, his voice becoming a plea. “Please, Peg, I know you. You’re one of the strongest people I know, but you don’t have to put your indestructible mask for me.”

“What do you want me to say, Howard?” Asked the woman in a cutting tone. Why was he insisting on that? Couldn’t he see that she was suffering enough? And, even then, she felt the need to say what was on her mind. She never discussed that, with anyone, and it was somewhat suffocating withstanding the loss Steve left on her own. Damn her independent personality. “That all the time I was with you on the transmitter, I had flash after flash of talking with him while he sank? That while you flew to you death, I thought about him flying to his? You want me to talk about the guilt I felt about you coming back, and him being gone forever?”

“I just don’t you to close yourself up, Peggy.” Said Howard, his face sad, his voice even more. He knew his friend suffered dealing with the loss of the Captain, but she never opened up about it. Not to him, not to the Commandos, or even Jarvis or her roommate Angie, the closest people to her at the moment. It wasn’t human nature to hold onto the weight of the world alone, but Peggy continued to insist on doing it, and it worried him. “What happened, on both of those occasions, was traumatic to the two of us. Even under hypnosis, I spoke the truth. Steve was the best thing I’d ever made, in a world where I only create chaos and destruction. But please, don’t lock this pain away and pretend it never happened.”

The both of them sat there in silence. Howard waiting for her to say something, knowing there wasn’t anything he could say to convince her, at least without hurting her even more. And Peggy discussing with herself if she should. She was so used to keeping a close front, separating what she felt from the world. If she showed herself as impenetrable, they couldn’t take her down. But it only meant that she had to endure the pain, the loss, the agony and the suffering alone. And, after a year doing it by herself, the woman didn’t know if she could do it anymore. It was exhausting, and it only broke her more and more.

In the end, she knew it was inevitable. Better that moment, with someone she trusted and where she could control her reactions, than to wait for a nervous breakdown to happen. She ended the drink with one sip, and let out a long sigh.

“It hurts so bad to think of him. It hurts to know that I’ll never see him again, that I’ll never speak with him again, that we’ll never... I don’t know how to handle losing Steve.” Whispered Peggy. It was difficult to admit it out loud, after so much time burying it inside herself. Even without mentioning how she hid what she felt for him before he went down. However, it was also good to admit it to someone that wasn’t herself. Of course, she knew it wasn’t a secret, Howard and the Commandos knew how they both felt, it just wasn’t something mentionable. Until now. And the relief she felt was like ointment to her wounds: it hurt at first, but soon it felt like a balm on said wounds. “It’s been months, and I still feel the very same pain I felt on that control room. And hearing you talk that you had found him, that you would bring him home... I never wanted anything so much in my whole life.”

Howard heard what she said and spent a few minutes in silence, pondering if he should reveal his last decision or not. He didn’t want to hurt her more, let alone give her false hope, in case he wouldn’t be successful in his plans. Out of sight, out of mind, right? But, what if it would help her? What if it would relieve some of the pain she carried inside day after day?

In the end, Howard decided that she had the right to know, being it helpful or not. _Peggy doesn’t need your protection_ , he thought, while praying he was making the right decision.

“Neither did I, Peg” he agreed, before taking a breath and outing what could had the power to heal or break his friend. He wanted to be a coward, to say those words with eyes closed and to not have to see the hope they would give to her, but he couldn’t. Staring at her seriously, he completed: “And that it is why I decided to launch the expedition I planned right after Steve’s loss, but couldn’t because of my commitment to the army.”

Even before he could finish talking, he saw her face transform in an astonished expression. Howard hated the possibility of being wrong, but he also admitted that it was better than the desolated expression she had before. Peggy tried to say something, but clearly he caught her by surprise. After a few moments and a strangled gasp, she managed to mumble something.

“Howard, it’s been so long...”

“I know, Peggy, but you need closure. We both do.” Concluded him. And he meant it. He doubted that it would be the case, but he would at least try, even if she didn’t approve. He needed to do that. Since the end of the war, the guilt chased him, but after his non-consensual hypnosis, he hadn’t a moment of peace without thinking about Steve being saved, and he felt he was abandoning his friend. However, as predicted, Peggy nodded, her eyes finally shedding the tears she held on through the whole conversation. Taking a breath, she spoke after a few minutes, as soon as she was in control of her emotions again. “You know how to be an amazing friend when you want to, you know?”

“Shhh, not so loud, and not in public. What if someone overhears you?” He joked, happy that it managed to put a small smile on her face. Since Steve was gone, she hardly smiled anymore, at least not truthfully. Once again, he prayed to be doing the right thing, before pulling her in a hug. He heard her trying to hold in a sob, and promised them both: “I can’t promise you that I’ll make it, Peg. But I can promise you to try my hardest. I’m no Captain America, but it’s at least something.”


	2. part two

•

**DECEMBER OF 1943**

**HYDRA FACILITY, POLAND**

When Steve finally returned to their base in Italy, together with more than four hundred POWs he had rescued from Hydra’s weapon factory and presented himself to Colonel Phillips with a kind-of-mocking, kind-of-serious tone, Peggy wanted to say a lot more than just a “ _you’re late”_. Only she knew that wasn’t neither the time, nor place to the conversation she wanted to have with the blond man. It was enough that she had to gather all her self-control to not jump on and kiss him like she wanted for so long, showing him all the worry she felt since when he didn’t respond her call on the transponder or each time a recognition flight report came on her hands saying there wasn’t a sign of him anywhere.

However, they were surrounded by all the people on the base. Peggy didn’t want to, or even could, give all that audience a show. So, she had to leave that conversation (or it would be a lecture? A love declaration? She didn’t know. Her mind was constantly changing on what to say to him) to another moment. She only knew that the look he gave her before Sergeant Barnes called for a celebration hurrah on the Captain’s honor said everything it was on her mind. Just seeing the look he returned her, she knew he understood the message completely, and it took all strength she had to keep an indifference mask on her face, controlling the blood who wanted with a force to color her cheeks. Unfortunately, with the return of half of the regiment and with a lot of men in need of medical assistance, not to mention the amount of intel and information Steve and his men managed to gather, there wasn’t time for Peggy to call him and say what she wanted.

Nevertheless, before they could finish the debriefing, an intel came from their contacts on MI6 about some locations that would receive orders, and comparing with the info Steve gathered, it would be the perfect opportunity to hinder Hydra’s advances, it being one of the primary installations of its weapon manufacturing. It was decided, then, that a small unit would be sent on the mission, since the number of available men wasn’t on their side. It was better that way, actually. Less people meant a bigger discretion while executing the mission. Phillips gave Rogers the lead on it, now officially integrated with the regiment. The young captain had already chosen his team, and since the colonel finally realized the advantage it was having the man under his command, he let Steve assemble his own unit to help him on his missions. The chosen ones didn’t know they were selected to the team, but that would be a perfect opportunity to see them in action.

However, Morita was still recovering from a leg injury, and couldn’t go as team’s code breaker. Peggy didn’t even hesitate on taking his place when Phillips called her.

The mission itself was a success, but it took time, a lot more than they thought it would, and a lot of effort, before they could neutralize the main base and the eventual ones they found on the way. Not mentioning, of course, the shipments that arrived. Yet, on the journey back to the rendezvous point, a sudden snowstorm caught them, and they had only minutes to spare before being buried by the snow.

They managed to take cover in a cave, but not before they were caught by part of the snow. At first, they only concentrated on catching their breaths, while shivering at the freezing wind making contact with their wet skin and clothes. Then, knowing they wouldn’t be back on the road anytime soon, they made a small camp inside the cave. There were some wood pieces there, but not enough to last the whole night. Giving their blankets to Gabe and Dum Dum, who were injured and needed tourniquets, they were all freezing when the night fell. Peggy, being the smallest and the one with lest body mass, was considering the probability of having hypothermia. For the record, it was huge. She was trembling from head to toe, but didn’t want to say anything when her colleagues were in same, or worse, condition as her.

Steve, not managing to sleep with all the noise from the storm, and seeing her tremble during the night, came closer to the woman and wrapped her in a hug, trying to warm her. He had a body temperature much higher than the human average because of the serum. It wasn’t like he didn’t feel the effects from the cold blows from the wind, he just wasn’t affected by them as much as the rest of the team. Not mentioning that his large silhouette protected the agent from the chilling airflow inside the cave. Hugging her, slowly he felt her stop trembling and starting to relax in his arms.

“Don’t think that just because I’m using you as a human heater, it means that I forgave you.” She started, whispering, with her voice breaking because of her shivering lips. They knew they had company, but that was the most privacy she had with the blond captain until then, and even if everyone weren’t asleep, the wind blow would muffle her words. She decided it was unlikely they would get a better chance than that.

“It’s because I shot that guy before you could? Because I didn’t see you caught him first.” He shot back joking, but knew she was serious, and it wasn’t because anything happened at the mission. Steve felt that she wanted to talk with him for days now, but they never found a moment alone. “I’m sorry, Agent Carter.”

“You can call me Peggy, Steve. You’re not some stranger or any soldier.” She affirmed. They went through a lot in the short time they met to be treating each other so formally. And if he knew the thoughts she had, surely he wouldn’t try to keep a professional distance. However, soon she became more serious, and whispered even lower, feeling her heart on her throat by admitting what she felt. Thanks to the perfect hearing the serum gave him, Steve understood her every word, and could even distinguish the distressed tone she took. “But don’t you think you have me distracted. Never do that again, please. You almost killed me with worry. I thought you were dead, Steve.”

“I know, and again, I’m sorry. I didn’t saw the transponder had been destructed until after the fight ended and I picked it up to call you.” He explained, regretfully. He hated that he caused her so much worry, when she had done everything she could and couldn’t do to help him. If he had saved Bucky, it was only because of her help, and because of it, he owed her the world. Not days and days filled with worry, and surely with lectures from the colonel.

“Be more careful, then.” Asked Peggy. She hated sounding like that, but it seemed that the man didn’t have a drop of preservation sense in his body, and she couldn’t handle another mission without intel of him being ok. “Put it in a better place next time. I know it’s not possible to predict the future and guarantee this situation will never repeat itself, but please, do try your best to avoid it.”

“I promise.”

They spent a moment in silence then, the blond man not knowing if he should say what was on his mind, and she hating herself for showing that he affected her so much. In the end, Steve decided to risk it. What did he had to lose? He had already lost his dignity during his first USO tour show, and if being where he was it was an indicative, he didn’t lack courage.

“I didn’t know you were so worried. Well, technically, I was under your supervision, but men are lost every day in this war. Why would I be different?”

“You mean excluding the fact that Colonel Phillips would have killed me, and Senator Brandt probably would have court martialed me in a blink of an eye?” She ironized, asking rhetorically. The Captain behind her snorted, knowing she was right. The two men would have eaten her alive if he hadn’t come back, and that made him feel even worse. But, before he could apologize again, she continued. “It’s because I care about you, Steve. You’re important to me. So, if you could avoid any blatantly suicidal behavior, my nerves would thank you.”

“Why? What makes me distinguished from the others? Just because the serum made me different, doesn’t mean you have to worry. A year has passed, and I’m fine.”

“No, Steve, the serum isn’t the reason why you’re special to me.” Affirmed the agent firmly, but she didn’t offer any other reason, which made him even more curious to know why.

“Then why?” He insisted. Maybe he already knew, but he needed to hear from her mouth. Needed to know he wasn’t imagining it, that it wasn’t his mind surrendering to his platonic desires. After a few moments in quiet, clearly debating if she should admit out loud what was happening inside of her, Peggy confided in him with a shy voice.

“Because you are different than practically any other men I’ve ever met. Not because of the experiment, not because of the serum. Because you are you.” She said simply, with a tiny shrug. The answer _was_ simple: it was because he was Steve.

Steve would always stand out from everyone in her eyes, and not because of the reasons everyone singled him out. She decided to explain, then, to not have him think that she was another one of those superfluous women that only cared about his new appearance.

“You have a kindness and a sense of justice I’ve never seen before. I’ve never met someone so determined and stubborn as you. And, now that your exterior reflects the inside I saw at Camp Lehigh, you’re practically invincible. Only you still are the same man I met at that camp in New Jersey.”

“You… you thought that about me, even before the experiment?” He asked, clearly surprised with what she said, leaving her with the urge to laugh. Steve was so modest and humble that sometimes he didn’t notice the real effect he had on people around him. It was impossible not to fall for him.

“Of course,” she laughed, in a tone that sounded like she was stating the obvious. “I’m not superficial, Steve. I understood almost immediately why Dr. Erskine wanted you for the project, and I agreed with him. To this day I still think there wasn’t anyone better than you. Determined, altruistic, dedicated, hard-working, and mainly, gentle and kind. They don’t make men like you anymore, Steve. And that’s why you’re special.”

Peggy hated that she was sounding like a high school girl in love, but it was just the truth. And, if she was being honest with herself like she was being with the Captain, she knew it wouldn’t take long to declare what she felt for him. So, it wasn’t surprising she was admitting all of that. She was just embarrassed because it wasn’t like her to be bewitched by a man the way she was. Even though the things with Steve never being a normal case…

“Wow.” His surprised tone made her lost control and the agent let out a small laugh, taking out of the Captain a smile in return. He was observing her, and was hypnotized with the way her face seemed to light up with her laugh, even with the intense gloom from the night and the low light the now decadent bonfire presented them with. His vision became perfect thanks to the experiment, and he could see her face lighted up with her laughter, how her cheeks were painted red by the cold, the laughter, and, if he was confident in himself, by the tone and context of the conversation. “I didn’t know you thought all of that of me. It’s an honor, believe me. A lot of these qualities I see in you. You are one of the few people I truly admire, Peggy.”

“Another thing I like about you? You see me as I am.” She continued, after hearing what he said. God, how could she stop her mouth? It didn’t take a genius to see how she felt about him, and maybe it was why she couldn’t stop. Peggy had to say what she thought, since she didn’t know when she would have another opportunity, either because they were drowning in work _in the middle of a war,_ or because of the thought of him never coming back from a battle. And, if she was honest, despite her courageous personality, maybe it was easier to admit it quietly in the dark. “Not like a ‘ _nosy woman playing soldier, who needs someone to put her in her place’_ or whatever more they say about me. Your respect isn’t pretending. Your admiration isn’t fake. You believe I can. You can, and _do,_ use my rank constantly to make others give me the respect I deserve, I know you do it. And I don’t need a knight in shining armor. I know how to put them in line, and I do it. I know my value, and I don’t need anyone to reassure it for me or to save me. But it is good to know someone else believe in me. Trust me. And that is another one of hundreds of reasons I care about you.”

Peggy knew about his improved vision, of course, since she was present on the day they tested him and had read all the report, but even then, she couldn’t help but thank the skies that they didn’t have anything else than a low light from the barely-there fire to light up the place. The agent knew she should be completely red from all those admissions, and felt her face burn with all the things she said. Peggy Carter had never been a coward woman, she prided herself of being a strong woman, but she didn’t know where that courage to admit so much came from.

“I know you don’t need a protector. But I do it for them, because they need to know how to treat a dame right. Friend, girlfriend, wife, subordinate or superior. You are a person, and you deserve respect. How can I not do these things, when you are an incredible agent?” He declared, understanding. The woman imagined that if the storm wasn’t so loud, her infatuated sighs would have echoed through the whole cave. How embarrassing was that? And, even so, she couldn’t make herself care. “It is why you have my respect and admiration. It is why I think everyone should have it for you. Regardless if you are a man or a woman, it is an honor to serve with you. I couldn’t ask for a better partner.”

“Steve…” She said, but didn’t know how to continue. What else could she tell him that she hadn’t already said it, except a direct and clear declaration, that she couldn’t do? But he was so… Steve. So considerate, so tender, so captivating. The agent was bubbling with feelings she didn’t know how to identify, or didn’t want to, but what could she do, with him in front of her, being everything she ever thought a man should be?

Peggy had to say something, do something, but didn’t know how to. She was divided. She could deny she wanted him, and, at the same time, knew she shouldn’t. Not at that moment. She longed for the touch of his lips, the contact of their mouths, to demonstrate a minimum portion of what she felt for the captain. Only she couldn’t. How would she explain that?

And, without noticing, their faces were approximating, millimeter by millimeter, until she could feel his breath on her face. And she wanted it. Oh, how she wanted it, so, so much. But she couldn’t. And it hurt even more to divert from him, placing a kiss on his cheek, whispering against his ear.

“Steve. I can’t.”

“Oh. I’m sorry.”

His disappointed tone broke her. Peggy knew he understood it wrongly, and wanted to explain why she said that, but the man launched in a nervous and babbling speech, that, if he still had asthma, she doubted he would manage to finish it. With a rapid and constant flow, he muttered the words, embarrassed, hardly finishing the sentences, and she had to make an effort to find sense on what he was saying.

“I didn’t want you to… don’t think I only said those words because I had second intentions. Or think that with all you said I thought you owed me something. No, it just seemed that… the signs were… I just thought that… well, it doesn’t matter what I thought. I’m sorry, agent Carter. It was inappropriate of me. And know that my opinion of you didn’t changed, ok?”

“Steve. Calm down.” Asked the agent, when he finally stopped to breathe. Serum or not, perfect health or not, suddenly she was worried he would have a syncope. Peggy knew she affected him just as much he affected her, maybe even more. She had to explain everything to him before the poor man somehow unmade all the experiment’s effects on his lungs, and stopped breathing. “First of all: you can continue to call me Peggy, and, second of all, you don’t have to apologize. I know your character; I know you would never take advantage of what I said. You thought right. There were sings. I want to, Steve, but the problem is that I can’t.”

The captain looked at her confused for a few seconds before starting to talk again, this time a lot more slowly, showing all of his confusion on his voice. He looked so adorable with a confused frown on his face that the woman had to hold herself to not smile or finally kiss him. 

“I… don’t understand. It’s because we are in the middle of a mission? Because I can wait until we are back in London.”

“No, it’s not because we’re in a mission, or in a cave in the middle of a snowstorm.” She guaranteed, finishing with a playful tone, and even though she knew he was a man who valued his privacy, she felt a little of trepidation that he would try to kiss her in the middle of the base, under the watchful eyes of everyone. 

“It’s because of the guys?” Asked again the blond man, his hand gesturing of a circle, indicating the company they had. “Because I understand, sorry, it really isn’t very romantic, I got carried away, and…”

“Breathe, Steve. You sure doesn’t have asthma anymore, but you still need to breathe.” Peggy requested again. “And it isn’t because of current company.”

“I still don’t understand.” He said again, the confusion on his face even bigger. Her inner self wanted to laugh, but she just sighed, before explaining more in detail.

“Just like you said, I’m a female agent, and even though I supposedly should receive the same respect as a male agent, I don’t. Even with me being totally professional, completely competent, all the time. Can you imagine if someone found out that we were involved?” Peggy inquired, looking at him fixedly, assuring that he understood everything she said. He needed to understand that the problem wasn’t him, but the position _she_ was in. “I’m not the type of woman who flirts with anyone, Captain. I know about my feelings and I think I made them very clear for you. I may be sounding too straightforward, but if we risked a kiss here, hidden, and if any of the others saw it… they are loyal to you. I know they wouldn’t mutter a word about it if you asked them not to. But I’m certain that it wouldn’t be just one kiss. There would always be another, and another, and another. It wouldn’t be a problem, in theory, because if it was possible, I would only be involved with you, and only you. However, the men at the base don’t think this way. Whether it is the youngest private, or the eldest colonel. The majority thinks that I… offer favors to be in the position I’m in. Nobody says it to my face because they know I wouldn’t hesitate to show what I’m actually capable of, but I know about the whispers, and rumors and the gossip. Bloody hell, Phillips is like a father figure to me, is twice my age and has a wonderful wife, and they still say that I’m his mistress, to the least. Can you see, now, why I can’t?”

Steve spent several moments just absorbing what she had said. It gave him an incomparable joy to hear her admit she felt something for him, but at the same time it angered him that she was in such position. Of course, he wasn’t naïve and noticed the way the men at the base treated her, but he had never imagined that it was that bad. He couldn’t help but feel a wave of admiration for that strong, strong woman, who went through all those daily ordeals she wouldn’t go through if she was a man, an yet did her job spectacularly, so much better than almost every man who insulted her. He wanted to promise himself he would do something about it when he went back, but unfortunately he couldn’t change the society’s mentality. Even if it was his wish to punch everyone until they understood the competence she, and by default, every other woman at the base, had.

“You can’t get involved with me because it would ruin your reputation. I’m so sorry, Peggy, it didn’t even cross my mind.” Steve affirmed, resigned. He wished he had a solution, but his mind couldn’t think of anything useful. Now he understood why she looked so frustrated.

“I know, Steve, and it is because you are a too kind person to think this of someone.” Peggy smiled, touching his face with a small caress. He closed his eyes for an instant, cherishing her touch, before opening them again and fixating on the traits that never left his mind since Camp Lehigh. “But, as I’d said, not everybody is like you. I don’t care about what they say about me, no matter how mad that makes me. But I wouldn’t be able to do my job properly, you know? Imagine someone see us. I would be discharged immediately. There’s a reason these rumors exist, it is because when they are true, they are serious enough to the point committees are opened just to investigate them. And I take pride on my career. As much as I care about you, I need to protect it.”

“Don’t worry, Peggy. I understand it, really. It’s a shame, but it is the reality.” He said, a mix of conformity with resignation.

Because every time he was close to get what he wanted, something would appear in the way, and make it impossible. His mind twirled and twirled, the blond man imagined the gearings working, trying to think of a solution, something, anything to solve the situation. The only one that came to mind wasn’t ideal, but it would be better than never having her. He pondered it for some time, feeling the conviction about the idea become more and more steady, before suggesting it. He wasn’t completely pleased with it, but for Peggy, anything was worth it.

Minutes went by with both of them just hearing the noise from the wind, who muffled every other inside the cave beyond their breaths, before he whispered the last thing she thought of hearing.

“I can wait.”

“What?”

“I can wait, Peggy.” He declared once more. When he only had her flabbergasted look as an answer, as if she couldn’t believe in what he was saying, the Captain continued, assured with his decision, but with a small smile showing he was ok with the idea. “I can wait for you. Wait for the war to end, when our jobs will not be so intertwined, when there isn’t no more subordinate and superior condition between us… I can wait until you can have me freely.”

“What? Steve, no.” Protested the agent, even if she didn’t want to. Did she wanted Steve? Obviously, but not at the expense of his happiness. She wasn’t selfish to such an extent. “I can’t ask that of you. It isn’t fair.”

“Did you mean it? Did you mean it when you said I’m special to you, when you said you care about me and have feelings for me?” asked Steve, more serious than she ever saw him. If she was being honest, his conviction with the idea scared her a little bit. Didn’t he have a single self-preserving bone in his body? How could he suggest something like that? And, even so, there he was, making a proposition she didn’t know she wanted, but now that he suggested it, she was having trouble saying no. But how could she do that to him?

“I… yes. I meant it.” Said Peggy, sighing, and once more caressing his cheek with her cold hand. The man didn’t feel the temperature, too focused on her eyes and what they were telling him to notice anything else. “But Steve, I can’t ask that of you. You have to think about what you need, what you want.”

“It so happens that I want you, too.”

That shut her up. Oh, God, how hard it was to say no to him. She wanted to be selfless and think about his future, but every time she tried, it only came to mind images of his lips on hers, images of the two of them intertwined in an embrace, among other things. It also didn’t help the way he was looking at her with those eyes that she was adored so much. She was trying, in vain, to form counterarguments in her mind, but it wasn’t helping. How could she deny something she wanted, and he appeared to want it with the same intensity as her?

“Look, Peggy,” he started, and by his tone of voice she knew he already won the argument. His stubbornness seemed to reach a new height, and she knew he wouldn’t let go until she agreed. It didn’t help the fact that she wanted it, too. “Is the situation ideal? No. Is it the way we wanted? Also no. But things rarely happen the way we want. And I rather wait for no matter what it takes if it means that in the end I will be with you. I don’t know if it’s clear what I said before, but I have never met a woman like you. And it is you that I want. Whether it is now, whether it is two years from now.”

“How can you be sure of this?” Peggy knew she was stalling, and even so the question surprised her when it escaped from her mouth. She was startled by such vulnerability and hope that her voice carried.

“I’ve been told how stubborn, determined, and ‘full of conviction’ I am. I doubt I will change my mind.” Assured the man, taking a laugh out of her. How could she not adore that man? She wanted to pretend she wouldn’t accept it, that she would continue arguing. But with his stubbornness, she doubted she could. Every defense of hers to the idea was fading with every word of him, and it wouldn’t take long for her to agree.

“Steve…”

“I found my right partner, Peggy. Now all I have to do is wait for her to want to dance with me.”

There was no way to argue with that affirmation. In a full snowstorm, her being a federal agent in the middle of a war, she was melting with only words from Steve Rogers. How could he provoke such a reaction in her, that made it impossible for her to say no, even if it was the easier decision?

Not knowing how to give him an answer that would measure up his, and afraid that if she said something, he would continue arguing, she nodded her head, agreeing. Steve then gave her a full smile, so excited, satisfied and loving, that she couldn’t help but returning with an equal one. There, hidden by the dark and surrounded by people they trusted, they could have the luxury of those little gestures. Several minutes had passed, and Steve thought she was almost asleep, when Peggy said:

“You’ve been learning how to talk to women.”

“I’ve been learning how to talk to you. It isn’t like I’m worried about talking with others.” Whispered him, embracing her a little more tightly, pulling a satisfied sigh out of her.

•

**SEPTEMBER OF 1946**

**STORK CLUB, NEW YORK**

Peggy knew it was naïve of her to create expectations, but it wasn’t like she could help it. When Howard said he would go on an expedition looking for Steve, she didn’t want to let herself think he would succeed. It would be better to be proven wrong and caught by surprise than to be disappointed because she created expectations. However, like everything in life, it was easier said than done.

When Howard returned from the expedition, he avoided her for two days, before she found him. It only took a single look from him for her to know what he had found: nothing. Trying to control the sudden tears that were forming in her eyes, she turned around and left the room. She heard him calling for her, but couldn’t talk to the man in that moment. She wasn’t disappointed in him. She was disappointed in herself. She shouldn’t have believed in Howard. He was brilliant, but he wasn’t God. He couldn’t perform miracles, couldn’t bring Steve back. Steve was gone, and she needed to accept that.

Peggy didn’t even pretend to not know where she was going. She needed Steve, and, knowing that she would never had him back, she went to the only comfort she had when missing him hurt that much. Stealing the air out of her lungs, squeezing her heart with such force that it seemed it would burst, burning her eyes and making more and more tears fall down her face, mimicking waterfalls, blurring her vision so much that the maîtres had to ask if she was hurt. The agent just shook her head, and directed herself to the corner of the bar, where she would be hidden from watchful eyes and could let the teardrops run freely down her cheeks.

Peggy wanted to pretend otherwise, but she had imagined all the time Howard had been gone that he would come back with Steve. She knew she had lost him forever, but, as her friend had said, she needed closure. And even if it was just to the lifeless body of her Captain, she would say what was stuck in her throat ever since the interruption of the connection on their transmission. She would admit to him out loud all of her feelings. All of her regrets. How much he really meant to her, how life seemed to lose a little bit of color now that he wasn’t in it.

But he would never know.

Steve would never know. He wouldn’t know how it was like to be an ocean away when he died, barely knowing it was her that had heard his last breaths. He would never know how his last words would haunt her for the rest of her existence, just like they haunted her right now, a year since he had won the war, but lost his life. A year since he had paralyzed her. A year since he died.

Steve would never know how she called his name. How she had continued calling his name long after the transmission had ended, time after time after time, thinking if she continued calling after him, if she said his name enough times, he would respond. Thinking if she called him enough, he would come back to her. And, with every calling, she felt as if she was drowning with him. Oh, God, how she needed him by her side…

Steve would never know how much she regretted. If Peggy knew what was ahead of them, she would never had denied them all of that time. Maybe she would regret when she would had to endure all the sexists and degrading comments about their relationship when everyone would found out about it – it was a small base, and both of them had a reputation. She didn’t doubt for even a second that it would stay a secret, even if they tried –, but the agent knew it would be worth it. Because Steve was worth it. She already had to stand the dull jokes about being Captain America’s old flame, and that ridiculous radio show about “Betty Carver”, the Captain’s damsel; why shouldn’t she endure more, if it meant she would have more than a few stolen moments with him?

It was such a shame she realized it too late.

She was drowning with regret. She shouldn’t have put them in that position. They always believed in the _soon_ , in the _when_ , in _fate_. Never believed in the _ifs_. And look how that turned out. It was just who they had believed in; fate had tricked them, and they would never get what they wanted, what they dreamed of. It was cruel; wanting something badly, having it close enough that their fingertips could almost touch it… just to have it escape from them in the blink of an eye. What a bitter trick destiny had played them. It would be comical if it wasn’t tragic. Peggy made Steve wait for her for years, and now fate was making her wait for him for the eternity.

There must had been something in the water, even if it was just the feeling of it, because with each passing second Peggy felt colder and more frozen. As if it wasn’t enough the feeling of drowning Steve’s loss brought her, with all the regret, all the longing, all the yearning, all the wishing for him that consumed her inside out… all of it dragging her further and further down, to the bottom, to where it didn’t have a breath she could take. The woman couldn’t help but think that, if she were drowning with him, freezing, at least she could hold him and prevent him from drowning in the ways she was.

•

**FEBRUARY OF 1944**

**LONDON, ENGLAND**

Peggy knew going to the bar had been risky. Not to her safety, it was more likely for her to attack someone who would try to be funny with her than the opposite; not mentioning that, with the base just a few miles away, the city was crawling with military personnel, and she was surrounded by colleagues.

No, the problem was she didn't know her purpose with such idea. Despite being in the army in the middle of a war, she was a vain woman, so it wasn’t unjustifiable or unfounded of her to dress up and being elegant. No, the risky part of it, was going to that exactly bar, where she knew for a fact the Captain was. As if it hasn’t been enough, of course she had to go to him and flirt in public. She wasn’t a prude, but being one of the very few women at the base with a considerable rank, she had to avoid giving an opening to certain rumors. And flirting with Captain America at a bar surely wasn’t a good try on avoiding those rumors.

Of course, it hadn’t been anything shameless. And the only person there that really had witnessed said encounter was Barnes, and she knew the sergeant would sow his mouth before telling on her and his friend. Even so, it had been risky. What if someone had seen them? It was hard enough already trying to maintain the little respect she had from the men at the base without them thinking she was an intimate friend of the Captain.

Peggy felt even more stupid the next morning when she saw Steve kissing Lorraine. She couldn’t help but feel like a fool, thinking that the conversation between them was something special – _they were just words, Carter, you don’t need to feel like the only woman on Earth_ – but apparently, the little she could him give was exactly that: a little.

It must have been why shooting at him had been so satisfactory. Of course, she knew none of the bullets would actually hit him, but his scared and surprised look was enough. What surprised her was that, even then, he continued to look at her as if she was the one who placed the sun in the skies. Bemused and still upset with him, she just went on and left the room. She went on with her day as if nothing had happened, because it was the truth: nothing had happened. So why was she feeling so disappointed?

Trying to get her mind out of such matters, since they weren’t get her anywhere, the agent decided that a drink would help, and for the second night on a roll, went to the goddamned pub the SSR and other regiments liked so much. It was calmer that night, considering some of the troops had been dispatched during that day, and in the next morning more would follow. But that didn’t stop a few people from enjoying a night out, the room animated with music and couples dancing. It may be calmer than the day before, but certainly wasn’t deserted. It even made it look like there wasn’t a war going on outside, if it wasn’t for the innumerous soldiers in uniform, herself included. She was vain, but why waste good clothes during a scarce time when there wasn’t anyone to impress?

Lost in her mind for a good portion of an hour, Peggy only realized time had passed when she noticed the three empty glasses in front of her. It wasn’t enough to make her drunk, but it was enough to alert her that she should head back to the base. That, of course, would be impossible now that she also noticed the presence beside her.

Rolling her eyes, but feeling a smug satisfaction growing inside of her with such speed she had to control the smile that threatened appear on the corner of her lips, the agent decided another drink wouldn’t do any harm. Especially when her company decided to address her, now that she had noticed him.

“It’s good to be here, you know. Alive. Seeing people having fun and enjoying themselves, even when nothing is ok. To see them smiling and laughing. You don’t know how one starts valuing the small things after almost dying, after one’s supervising officer tries to take one’s life.” Said Steve, in such a monotonous tone that it seemed as if he was talking about the weather. Peggy rolled her eyes once again with his pronouncement, asking herself if the serum had also improved his tendency to be dramatic. It wasn’t a mystery the success he had made on the USO tour, apparently. Especially when he looked like he was enjoying himself, if the twinkle in his eyes and the soft smile his lips were trying to hide served as any indication.

“For the love of bloody Nora, Captain Rogers. Five bullets against your _vibranium_ shield hardly constitutes as an attack on your life. Now, we can try again with the wooden shield, if you want. I promise to be more on point, this time.” The agent shot back, the drink she had asked for arriving soon after and making its way to her lips.

“Steve.” Replied him, after not managing to stop himself and letting out a small laugh.

“Pardon me?”

“Call me Steve, Agent Carter. We’re not at base, let alone working. Considering everything, you can at least call me by my name in such occasions.” He answered seeing her confused face, his lips curled in a gentle smile, a ghost of his previous laughter still playing on them. She knew he wanted to call her by her name too, but decided better since she was still mad at him and wasn’t about to gamble his luck away. Peggy took a while to respond, hypnotized by his lips. Why that man had such an effect on her?

“What should we consider, then, Captain Rogers? You didn’t seem to consider anything this morning.” She shot back, her face changing to a discontent expression and refusing to fulfill his request. Maybe it was immature of her, but she had a right to, after what she saw that morning.

“Peggy, please.” Asked him, a small plea for a truce. A truce she didn’t want to give him, but Steve stirred something in her so effortlessly, he caused a storm inside her with so much ease that it was hard to deny him anything when he looked at her that way. She sighed and nodded her head, while taking another sip of her drink, and looked at him, waiting. The blond man understood her intent, because he followed with an explanation.

“It didn’t even lasted ten seconds, Peggy. She caught me by surprise, and I barely processed what was happening when you came in and caught our attention. Even so, forgive me, please. I shouldn’t be so slow like that.”

“Oh, poor you. So naïve that you don’t know how to divert advances from a woman. Poor you, it must be so exhausting being oh so desirable.” Replied the agent. Despite speaking irony as a second language, Peggy hated sounding so mocking. Again, she found it immature, inferior and a lack of capability of expressing oneself in a surely manner. But, the scene played on replay in her mind, making her crazy, despite the fact she believed in Steve, making her mad at him, instead.

“Well, you did said that I still don’t know a bloody thing about women. Even after all this time, I still don’t know.” The Captain responded with a smile that infuriated and melted her at the same time. How could he have so much influence on her?

“Even after spending more than a year in my frequent company?” Inquired the agent, trying to mask her reaction to the man, but at the same time, curious. Maybe he had gotten used to her, and she didn’t affect him so much anymore?

“I meant I still don’t know anything about other women, Peggy. But I know enough about you. I’m saying that the rest doesn’t mean a thing for me.”

Peggy hated acting like a little girl in love, but couldn’t help but feel a warmth rising to her face, certainly coloring her cheeks red, much less the shy, but surely satisfied, smile showing on her face, no matter how much she tried to bite her lips trying not to let it out. When she lost the battle and could not disguised it anymore, she lowered her head for a moment, wanting to hid it, before looking around the room, regaining her composure once again. Looking around proved to be efficient, since the smile slowly left her face, while observing all the couples in the room. All of them smiling, flirting, kissing. It didn’t matter if it was a one-night thing, or if there was promises of a future there.

Looking at the scene in front of her, she had an enlightenment of why she had felt so affected by what occurred with Lorraine. Exactly like instants before, all of her reactions to Steve had to be hidden. Repressed. She couldn’t kiss him when she well wanted. Not that she would do it in the middle of the base, like the inconsequent secretary, but she wanted to know that she could. She wanted to have the choice. She didn’t want the stolen, implicit moments, hidden behind the curtains. Peggy didn’t want to have to wait, to pretend nothing was happening. However, that was her job. No matter how in love she was with Steve, that was her calling. And, unfortunately, she couldn’t give herself the luxury of having said opportunities, because she knew they would only diminish her authority, her credibility.

She didn’t want to be Peggy Carter, Captain America’s agent girlfriend. She wanted to be Peggy Carter, the agent who did her absolute most to contribute to winning the war. To her, it didn’t have to exist distinction. She knew well how to compartmentalize and be both, but that was the reality. In that patriarchal and chauvinistic world, she would either be the girlfriend, or be the agent. And, in the end, she had to be the agent. She had sacrificed a lot to get to that point and couldn’t give it all up, not even for a man who deserved it and even more.

But was it fair to Steve, making him wait for the war to end, when she would have more freedom and less people watching her, waiting for a reason to break her, and she would be able to pursue a relationship with him? Turning around and staring at him, finding him staring her back, she knew it wasn’t fair. Nevertheless, she was selfish, and still had the courage to ask for it.

“I’ve been mad for the wrong reasons, Steve. I’m sorry.” Peggy started, her eyes fixed on his, which were observing her with a profound look, making her tremble inside. “Of course, it wasn’t exactly fun to find you kissing another woman. But what pissed me off wasn’t the fact she was kissing you. Well, not entirely. I trust you when you say that it wasn’t your wish, and I know our feelings about each other are mutual. But, seeing her with you was a cruel reminder that I don’t get to do it, not now, at least. And I want it so bad, but I need to focus on my role as an agent. Yet, at the same time, this infuriates me so much, because here we are. We could be right there, dancing, showing how we feel… it drives me insane how we can’t do this. And, even though we don’t outright say what will happen with us when the war ends, I know with every look from you that it is the same as what I want. It was a little bit of jealousy, but it also was much more, because seeing her kissing you just reaffirmed all of the wait we have to do. And I’m afraid that you won’t think that I’m worthy of it, in case it takes much longer. It kills me waiting to show you how right I am for you and how right you are for me.”

“Peggy… I waited to find someone for years.” Steve responded. After so much time, he knew the woman in front of him very well, and if she thought he would let her come up with reasons for them not to be together, she had another thing coming. That was a frequent argument between the two of them, her feeling guilty of making him wait and missing all the opportunities, and him trying to make her understand there wasn’t anyone else he wanted.

“All everyone ever saw was a five foot tall man and didn’t want anything to do with him. Not even bothered getting to know him. Except you. You are always the exception, Peggy Carter. You looked at me when no other woman would. You said as soon as I came back from the rescuing mission that you wanted me since before Project Rebirth, no serum, no muscles, and a few feet smaller than you.” He finished, laughing.

“Looks aren’t everything, Steve. There are hundreds of soldiers in this city, some of them extremely attractive, but none of them compares to you. Not now, with the body the serum gave you, and not before. You say nobody ever saw you, but one of the reasons I found myself attracted to you was that, besides your personality, you saw me too. Not as another pretty girl with a skirt, but as a capable human being wanting to do her job.”

“And that’s exactly why, Peggy, I don’t mind waiting.” Rationalized the blond captain. He was expecting a bigger fight after the occurring with Lorraine, but the argument was going to another direction, one that he didn’t like, and he had to remind her of their endgame plan. “I know you don’t believe in the romantic conception that people are destined to be together, but I know you believe that we couldn’t be a better match. And that’s why I don’t mind waiting. Because there isn’t anyone who completes me better than you.”

“You say this now, Steve, but you spent almost your whole existence missing out on things. Time playing, because you were so sick. Time in the army, because nobody believed you would make it. Time dating, because, as you have said, no other “dame” wanted to dance with someone she could step on. Haven’t you spent enough time missing out on things, darling?” Peggy asked, her eyes a little wet with tears she refused to let it fall. What kind of person she was, depriving him of all that? How egoistic it was to not let him live his life, just because she couldn’t live hers at that moment? “It hurts to say this, but maybe it is time for you to make up for the wasted time. And how could I stay in your way?”

Steve couldn’t believe they were having that argument once again. Why couldn’t she understand? He didn’t need anyone else. Anything more. He wanted her, and only her. And, even though it wasn’t how he wanted, how he had imagined it, he was willing to wait for it. Because she was worth it. He just couldn’t understand why she didn’t want to accept it.

Peggy, in turn, didn’t understand how could he give up on things so easily for her. He, who had all the reasons to do the things she was suggesting, was denying them, because of her. She was just afraid that in the end, she wouldn’t be worth all that effort.

“You are in the way, Peggy, because it is with you that I want to make up for all that lost time. You are the last thing missing among all of what I wanted before and didn't think I could have it. I’m sorry if I hurt you, even if I didn’t mean to, and I swear I’ll do my best to never be in that position again. But you running away from what we can be just because we’re not an ordinary couple isn’t the answer. I am basically a walking biological weapon. You’re a formidable agent in a time society says you shouldn’t be anything more than a secretary or a nurse before getting married. I know everybody uses the war as an excuse to live the most fearing that tomorrow will never come. I know that is the conventional. But we’re not conventional! Looking for other dames to dance with it would be just a waste of time. You are my living the most, Peggy. That’s what I want. It’s you that I want.”

If anyone knew about them (with certainty, because there were some who assuredly were suspicious of them), surely would ask him where did he pull all those words from to win her over when she was trying to fight it and not sounding cheesy. The agent sure asked herself that. Steve, eternally an artist, knew it wasn’t so easy. It was hard to measure his feelings in words, no matter how hard he tried.

Peggy, however, wanted to scream with frustration. Every time she initiated an argument with Steve, she would forget how good he was with words. She wasn’t exactly easy to beat in an argument, but the captain did that, at least in the ones about them, with such an ease that pissed her off. Maybe it was because she knew that she wasn’t trying hard enough. It was just for her to not feel even more guilty, because she knew in the end she would always agree with him. Why was it so hard to admit what she wanted? Was the fear of vulnerability that came with it? The fear of losing him? She didn’t know.

“You know, it is really hard to argue with you when you get this eloquent. And I had said that you don’t know how to talk with women.” Scoffed her, and they both knew she was admitting defeat. She always did. Steve, not matter how frustrated he became, could never get mad with her because of that. He knew she only did that to try to get rid of the guilt, always having his best interest at heart. The only problem with Peggy was that she couldn’t get in her head that _she_ was his best interest. “I know all of that, Steve. And I feel all of that. But then, I remember things like yesterday and remember of what you’re missing by waiting for this war to end to be with me. You have other priorities, yes, like I do. But what if in the middle of it you find love and I’m in your way?”

“You’re not in my way, Peggy, because I already found love. And don’t they say love is patient and knows the time to happen?” Ok, that was cliché, and he couldn’t help the silly smile it took out of him. Better that then get frustrated. The woman let out a laughter she didn’t want to, and rolled her eyes.

“You don’t know what you are talking about. You don’t believe it.” Accused Peggy, but with a smile on her face. It didn’t matter how, Steve always won that argument. She was fine with him winning it, because in the end she was winning it too, but she wouldn’t have peace if she didn’t try to alert him from all of those things. Steve wasn’t naïve, but he was an idealist and a romantic at heart. Sometimes he needed a dose of reality to remember that not everything was the same as in the principle. The funny thing was, even then he still won. Maybe they deserved each other just because her stubbornness matched his.

At that point, however, Peggy had admitted that he was right. Maybe she had overreacted, but seeing him with Lorraine, besides the jealousy, brought out all of her insecurities and the possibilities she was always reminding Steve on all of those arguments. She didn’t know why she kept doing that. She wasn’t a masochist. She didn’t want to suffer from love. She was just so used to protect him that she was still insisting on protecting him from herself. At the same time, it didn’t mean she didn’t want him. No, it just needed to be a reassurance. She hated being that kind of woman, but in a time so delicate as the war, nothing was sure. Maybe that was the reason they argued so much about it.

If she needed any more proof that the argument was useless, or why she was so undeniable in love with Steve Rogers, the answer he gave her then was enough. Steve had a special way with words, they never failed with leaving her breathless and with her heart exploding with feelings for the best man she had ever met in her life. It took all of her, all control she had, and didn’t have, to not kiss him, to not tell him how much she loved him, what a fool she was to keep trying to fight what they had and confessing how much she needed him. Because, in the end of the day, even if she didn’t admit with as much ease as him, Peggy needed him just as much he needed her. She loved him with all she had and with all she didn’t, even with all of those arguments. And, if she ever forgot why she was madly in love with him, the Captain always managed to make her remember why.

“You know I was color blind, right?” Asked him, and when he received a nod from her, he went on, little did he know he was about to steal all breath inside of her, making her fall in love with him even more, if it was possible. “And in art school, actually, even before it, when I needed a color but didn’t know which it was, I asked someone to describe them for me. And they always described red as intense. As strong. Passion. Love. I never could see it, but I understood what it stood for. After the serum, after the transformation and Project Rebirth, my vision became perfect, and I could see it all, all of the colors, perfectly. Even the red. And the first redness I saw was your lips. It was the scarlet on your cheeks when you saw the experiment worked. It was the tones of your skin, the nail polish on your fingers, even on some of your hair strands when the sun reflected on them. And, ever since, every time I saw you, I saw red. Be it in the rain, on the battlefield, under the low light of the base. So, suddenly, I started to associate red to you. And everyone was right. Red is intense. Red is strong and passion and love. Red is you, Peggy.”


	3. part three

•

**JANUARY OF 1947**

**STORK CLUB, NEW YORK**

Peggy’s head was spinning. It was justifiable after the meeting she had, the amount of information they had discussed. Spending literally the whole day inside the office didn’t help. Phillips and Howard scheduled a meeting to seven a.m. and she only managed to get out of there almost two hours after her office hours usually ended, at eight at night. Howard gave her an indicative look, clearly wanting to know where she would go when she said she didn’t need a ride home. Considering Steve was one of the topics they had discussed, it wasn’t any surprise that she was heading to Stork Club. No, the news was that, apparently, she was the new director of an intelligence agency.

Well, not exactly. It was an idea the three of them cultivated for some time now, and that was just one of the preliminary meetings. Nonetheless, Phillips had contacts inside the government that assured him the project of a semi-private agency would be approved, especially in that moment, almost two years after the war had ended, and the American government wasn’t interested in the SSR anymore. It was a good thing, she knew. She was very excited, because she knew she could do an ever better work, even if it wasn’t officially decided that she would be the director.

No, what was bothering Peggy was the same as always: Steve should have been there. He should have been part of that project, part of the plans, part of the agency. One more thing he wouldn’t be able to.

It was why, even if it was a little early to decide it, that she had thought about the name of the new agency. If he couldn’t be there in person, he would be there in spirit. The new agency should be everything the man was, everything he represented, everything he stood for. Freedom. Protection. Justice. After spending her whole lunch break thinking about how to honor him in that new phase, about how could he be a part of what they were building, she thought of something.

“S.H.I.E.L.D.” The agent said, as soon as the meeting reassembled, staring intensely at Phillips and Stark, as if she was daring them to protest.

“What?” Asked the scientist, confused, not understating where she was aiming for. Phillips, however, returned the look, and she lifted an eyebrow as an answer.

“S.H.I.E.L.D.” She repeated, then saying each word slowly, daring them to find a problem with it, to refuse the idea. “The Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement, and Logistics Division.”

The two man had stayed quiet for several minutes. They both knew the reason why for such a mouthful name, organized in a way to make such acronym. They weren’t thinking about other options, no, they too wanted to honor the man who made all of that possible. No, they were just thinking if the name really worked, if it would had a problem. Of course, Peggy had made sure of it before suggesting that, but she had let them marinate the idea while watching them, and she knew the exact moment they decided to go forward with the name, a satisfied smile gracing her face immediately. After several moments, not finding any problem with it, Howard laughed, while Phillips just said, with a smile of his own:

“Well, what are we waiting for? Let’s put S.H.I.E.L.D. to work.”

They had spent the whole day discussing the preliminary actions, legal proceedings and other details that made Peggy’s head hurt. In the end, when the evening came and went, they had to finish the meeting, and schedule it to continue to another day. Phillips would be in Washington for the next days, and could only make it next week. Only, Howard couldn’t make it then.

All the scientist had said was that he had a business trip, and it would take a few days for him to get back. It wouldn’t be a big deal usually, it wasn’t uncommon of him traveling the entire world for business, if it wasn’t for how he had said it. Too casual. That and the fact he couldn’t look Peggy in the eyes the entire time he said it. It told all that she needed to know about the trip. She knew Howard for years. If he was lying, he would stare at her forcibly, fearing she would think he was running from questioning. If it was confidential, which rarely stopped Howard, he would just roll his eyes before averting them.

No. He was afraid of her. Sheepish of what she would say, and considering the shameless lifestyle he lived, he didn’t have any reasons for that. Except one. Narrowing her eyes and asking where he was going, Peggy knew that there was something wrong, and suspected what it was. Howard just mumbling the name of a country and practically running out of the room told her everything.

He was going after Steve again.

 _Why?_ She asked herself. Why keep insisting on that, when it only brought heartbreak and disappointment for them the last time? She had run away as soon as she saw him, but it was just postponing the inevitable. In the end, she had found him, and her masochist curiosity wanted to know all about the trip. She didn’t know why she tortured herself in such a way, but knew that she had rarely cried as much as she did that night. Now, there she was, doing it again. Peggy couldn’t handle any more disappointments, any more pain, so she let him go.

Yet, inside, she was worried. She knew she wasn’t handling Steve’s loss in a healthy way, except she never had much self-preservation to begin with. But seeing Howard the same way as her, saddened her even more. Wasn’t it enough that she was stuck in the past? Did he had to be, too?

Everyone kept saying her melancholy was blinding. Her nostalgia was extreme. Her suffering was a tragedy. And maybe it was. Maybe she was blinded by feelings and remaining sensations of her brief, but intense time with Steve. Maybe the memories weren’t as sweet and clear as she remembered, but why choose to diminish what she felt and what she was feeling, when those were the two things keeping her alive? Rather to be suffering than to be numb. Sometime after Steve’s death, when his loss registered in her mind, she felt numb for days, incapacitated to feel anything but the immense abysm of emptiness that threatened to took over her soul at every instant.

Knowing that, the agent was sure that the anguish was better. Because suffering was proof that she had been alive. That he had been alive with her. The numbness only took away even more of what she had lost.

And there she was, judging Howard for going on a treasure hunt for the impossible, when Peggy herself was still counting the days since he had gone, even after almost two years since it happened. Steve had changed the meaning of time for her. Now, one second had become the measure of missing him so much. Each day without him felt like a wasted day in her ideal future; one more breath was one too many separating her from him.

Every day she was haunted by his memory. By the few, but precious moments she had spent with him. She dreamed of the only time she had been in his arms, him being the fire that stopped her from freezing, it being the only instant that she had his warmth between her hands. She dreamed of their time together, of every moment, every look, every word and every touch. She dreamed of what they dreamt together, once upon a time. That sure stagnated her life, but what could she do? No one compared to him. Not by being Captain America, but by being Steve Rogers.

After her brief stay in Los Angeles, she had tried to have something with her coworker, Daniel Sousa. But every time he touched her, she thought of Steve. Every time he kissed her, Peggy thought of the only time she had kissed Steve.

Only once she had succeeded to vanquish the distance between his lips and hers. Only once, as if she had felt what was coming their way, despite being on the rearguard of a plane and in a moving car, she had kissed him with all of her being, with all of her soul.

Only once she had kissed him, only once she had felt paradise between her fingers, and she gave up all of her being. Only once, and Steve had her for eternity. If he hadn’t conquered her before, in that moment, in that magical moment, she became his. Because of that one time, she spent the next two years feeling as if he took her breath away with him. Because of that one time, fear tried to kill her every day by knowing that she would never have him again.

It didn’t take long for her relationship with Daniel to end and she came back to New York. There was no way she could stay there, if every thought of hers was about Steve.

They called her crazy. Said she was giving up happiness for a ghost. After so much time, everybody told her she should move on. However, how could she, if she couldn’t get him out of her mind? Peggy prayed, every day, to not move on. Because even though moving on might not mean forgetting, it meant getting over him. And she wasn’t ready to get over Steve.

It was why she held onto every mark he left on her. Drawings from his sketchbook he made of her, and that she only knew about it when she was organizing his belongings to be dispatched to the US, after VE day. Legally, everything, including Steve himself, belonged to the US Army, but there were things that were so him, so Steve, that she couldn’t let them have them. His sketchbooks were some of them. His dog tags were another that she couldn’t help but keep to herself. To that day, she hadn’t regretted stealing them, and wore them every day hidden beneath her blouse, resting on her chest. This way, she would always have a piece of Steve with her. She could fit him in that small necklace near her heart at every moment.

No, she would never leave behind the marks of Steve. Peggy kept herself up on those and so many other marks – army shirts with his name, his rank plaques – while waiting for him to come back, these same marks would give her peace. Except they didn’t. Except he wouldn’t come back. And each time she thought about it she felt more empty and hollow inside.

That was why she worried about Howard going after him one more time. Because she didn’t want her friend to feel a void in his soul for the rest of his days, like she felt.

•

**MARCH OF 1945**

**LONDON, ENGLAND**

The winter of ‘44 to ‘45 had been a difficult one. Losing Bucky was a blow to every one of them, but was a black hole opening inside of Steve. There were days Peggy asked herself if the man didn’t die with his friend, since the body that held Captain America seemed so lifeless she thought she would never have Steve back.

But then, in some moments, the agent saw glimpses of her Steve in there; a sweet and loving smile he would give her when nobody was watching, fingers dancing on her back in the rare occasions they were together and near enough for nobody to see, a look with so much want when she entered the room he was in. A random laughter when one of the Commandos managed to make him laugh was practically Mozart to her ears. Seeing him with his shoulders relaxed and face calm was like an oasis in that time. Little by little, Peggy was losing the impression that she had lost him. The man was only adjusting to the reality of life without Bucky by his side. Peggy understood, since she went through the same after losing her brother. Barnes was Steve’s Michael, she concluded.

Even so, Steve was livid that the war had cost him the only family he knew since he was a teenager. How dare they, she could almost hear him think. Steve, for the first time since she had met him, wanted revenge. And revenge he got.

Leaving for missions on a weekly basis, the man spent all his waking moments focused on how to end HYDRA. Part of his grief process involved an almost maniac rage towards the organization, and his acceptance process constituted in annihilating them. Peggy knew she didn’t need to say to him that none of that would bring his friend back. She knew Steve knew it. But it didn’t matter. HYDRA was a cancer, and they would rid the world from it. While Zola, who was under SSR’s jurisdiction, wouldn’t say a thing, Steve was doing everything to corner the Red Skull to a wall. And, with it, each mission was becoming more dangerous and reckless.

After Stalingrad, in which Steve almost had a head trauma trying – and managing – to free more than a thousand prisoners of war, everyone came to tell him off. The Commandos, during and after the mission was over. Phillips, when he debriefed them. And Peggy, who was at the meeting, and with every word was getting more and more irritated and angry. The Captain could feel the anger coming from her in waves and hitting him with force, that’s why he didn’t try to justify his actions. He knew he was in trouble and didn’t want to make it worse. Immediately after the meeting ended, the agent asked to have a word with him privately, and none of those present objected, knowing he was about to receive the biggest scolding of his life. For two hours straight, the whole base could hear screaming coming from inside the room, and nobody wanted to be the man in that moment, because nobody wanted to be the subject of Peggy Carter’s wrath. 

After this incident, Steve became more reasonable. The missions weren’t so risky anymore, in part because, during his wrath against HYDRA, he and the Commandos did most of the work. So, soon they were at the climax, the final point. Phillips summoned everyone to a meeting, informing them that Zola had sung like a bird and they had less than twenty-four hours to do something if they wanted to stop Schmidt from destroying the American East Cost entirely. Steve, then, decreed that the next day they would end HYDRA once and for all. He summoned every one, the Commandos, the high-ranking officers, the recruits – every military personnel at the base to go the mission that would end that nightmare. They spent hours creating strategies, gathering intel, discussing tactics and the steps to take. When they finally ended the meeting, the Captain ordered everyone to be ready to leave at 0500 hours next morning.

For now, however, the operatives were free for the night.

They ended up, naturally, at the Whip and Fiddle, the bar that seemed to be everyone’s favorite at the base. Steve didn’t feel like going out, all the more if one considered that he couldn’t get drunk even if he tried, but the Commandos begged him to go. If tomorrow was the day they would face death, they insisted on having one last night out. When he found out that Peggy, who rarely left the base when she wasn’t on a mission, was also going, he couldn’t help but to be convinced.

However, at some point in the night, when Peggy hadn’t arrived yet and everyone already had a good number of drinks, Dum Dum started a chorus that seemed to be a punch in his soul. They were discussing the probability of making out alive the next day, what would they do, and how everybody they lost along the way should be there. It was kind of morbid, but so was war. Discussing it was inevitable. Nonetheless, the homage Dugan made stole all the breath Steve had in his body, and it made him feel like he was asthmatic again.

“To Sergeant Bucky Barnes, the best sniper the American army have ever seen, and the biggest jerk of all, too!” The big redhead said, his voice solemn and his eyes sparkling. Everyone knew Barnes should have been there, because if they had made it so far, each one of them had a role in it, and the late sergeant wasn’t an exception. He shouted, raising his bottle of beer: “Once a Commando, always a Commando. The good die young, but the great will always be remembered. To Bucky Barnes!

“To Bucky Barnes!” Shouted everyone, repeating his gesture. Obviously, Steve participated, but suddenly the place seemed too packed for him. Too much people, too much noise, too much heat. He needed to get out of there immediately.

Thinking of Bucky torn his heart apart, but imagining reaching victory without him was devastating. The captain couldn’t be there, knowing his friend wasn’t. He needed to find a place to calm himself down, to think straight. The most important mission of his whole life was happening in a few hours and he couldn’t be in it in that state. He needed to retake control.

Looking around, a dark opening caught his attention. Getting up, he went to it, finding a room taken by darkness, an abandoned part of the bar, which the ceiling had been knocked down in part by a recent bombing. It was much more calm and quieter there. Taking a few bottles of some type of alcohol that were on the counter, he walked up to a table in the middle of the room and just… stayed there. Trying to catch a breath that didn’t escaped him, trying to control emotions that didn’t want to be dominated.

Steve didn’t know how much time he had been there, just staring at the destruction around him, drinking glass after glass, trying to feel something, anything other than the agonizing pain the thought of Bucky being dead caused him. Constantly he shook his head, like if he shook it enough, the image of his friend falling to an abysm would get out of his mind. He knew it was impossible. That memory was engraved in his brain forever, and he knew it would haunt him till the end of his days. But he could at least pretend to try.

In the middle of the pain, he became oblivious to the room around him, and it was why he was startled when he heard a voice behind him.

“Hello, Steve.”

“Peggy.” Replied him, turning around to the sound of her voice and surprised to see her there, in the middle of the wreckage. He started to get up to give his seat to her but she dismissed him with a hand wave, coming near and taking a chair who survived and was in the corner, placing herself in front of him. She observed him for a few instants, looking for something on his face he didn’t know what it was, before lowering her eyes and noticing the alcohol in front of him. Seeing her eyebrows raising by the scene in front of her, he continued: “Did you know that I can’t get drunk? I can do things that are humanely impossible, but I can’t get drunk.”

“Yes. Your metabolism run four times faster than normal.” She replied, taking a bottle and opening it, drinking from it directly. He would be impressed, if he hadn’t saw her beat Dugan on bets about who could drink more shots in less time. “Dr. Erskine thought that would be possible.”

“My best friend, the person who was with me my entire life dies because of me, and I can’t get drunk.” He let out a humorless laugh. The words left a bad taste on his mouth, and he took another sip of his drink, trying to wash it. He couldn’t, after all, the problem wasn’t the words. It was what they represented.

Peggy just drank along quietly, knowing nothing she could say would fix the situation. So, she just drank with him, taking in his introspective demeanor, thinking about the war and all the pain and suffering it brought. It wasn’t right. It wasn’t fair. But they were on the verge of ending it and stopping it from bringing anymore pain and suffering. Maybe that should count as something, she guessed. It wouldn’t make a difference to her, in the end. She still had lost her brother. And Steve still lost his. For them it was too late, nothing would be the same as before. They just continued fighting to make sure what happened to them would not happen to millions of people.

“No, it’s not.” She said, lastly. Peggy knew it would be no use, but in the same way they wouldn’t let her feel guilty about Michael, she couldn’t let him feel guilty about Bucky. Lowering her glass and staring him steadfastly, as if it would make her next words break his stubborn barrier, she continued. “It is not your fault, Steve.”

“If you read the reports, you know it isn’t true.” He snorted, a mocking laugh and an ironic tone in his voice. Peggy didn’t care for it, but she let it slide. It was the pain talking, and she knew the problem wasn’t her.

“I read the report. I know you feel this way, but the guilt corrupts our judgment.” Argued the agent, her stubbornness matching his. She wouldn’t let him do that, because she knew the self-destructive behavior such guilt brought. She had two bullet marks on her shoulders and his recent almost head trauma to prove it. She needed to address it in an angle his calculating mind understood, not his emotional soul. “Sergeant Barnes, you said he was your friend, no? And I suppose you would go to the end of the world for him?”

“In the blink of an eye.”

“Then why you don’t accept that he would do the same for you?” The agent shot back, with the same direct tone and serious expression of his.

“It’s not the same thing, Peggy.” Said Steve, rolling his eyes. Deep down, he knew she was right, but didn’t want to admit. How many times had Bucky done something completely dumb or dangerous just because it was Steve, his small best friend, who needed him?

“Why it isn’t? Steve, I may not have a Bucky in my life, but I know what grief does to people. And you’re so blind with it, you forgot something vitally important.”

“What?” Asked the man in a skeptical tone. He knew she just wanted what was good for him, but she couldn’t understand. She wasn’t on that train.

“Sergeant Barnes was his own person.” The agent started to explain. She didn’t want to sound superior, but needed to describe it calmly, even if it was obvious, for the man in front of her to understand it. “He could be serving under your orders and be under your supervision, but at the end of the day, he was there because he wanted to. I’m not saying he wanted to die, but you need to understand, Steve, that the same way you would go to the end of the world for him, he would go for you. The loyalty in the friendship between the two of you is one of the most beautiful things I ever saw. You would do anything for each other. Not because the other required, but because it would be your choice. And that’s what you need to do: respect Bucky’s choice.”

“How can I when it got him killed?” Asked him with a low, defeated voice, completely hopeless. It broke Peggy’s heart once more seeing him that way, and she didn’t want to do anything but hold and console him, but he didn’t need any of that in the moment. Steve needed someone to rationalize his grief with him, to not let it take an irrational and uncontrolled character.

“Because it represents who he was. Because just like you, Sergeant Barnes was doing his part to make the world a better place. He was working so others could survive.” She said smoothly, and could feel herself starting getting emotional. Peggy wasn’t so close with Barnes, but he was a good person, and was important to Steve.

It just wasn’t possible to care so much about the Captain and not be sadden by the sergeant’s death.

“It’s a tragedy that he went so soon, but you can’t be ashamed by what happened. You have to honor his legacy, Steve. And you won’t do it with suicide missions. You need to stop and think straight. What would Bucky say if he saw you this way?”

“He would call me a punk, and would punch me for being such an idiot…” The laugh that escaped his lips this time was more sincere, if not emotional. Steve looked up, trying to stop the tears forming in his eyes, but his best friend’s loss was hitting him with such a force that not even Captain America was able to handle it. “I miss him so much, Peggy. He’s been gone for a few months now and I still can’t process the fact that he’s not here anymore. Every now and then, I look to my side, expecting to find him there with a teasing smile and an insult to joke for me. I turn to ask his for opinion but he’s not there. Bucky’s been by my side since we were kids. And now, for the first time, he isn’t. How does someone understands, deals with something like this?”

“Oh, my darling.” She said fondly. It hurt seeing him that way, and tears that formed in her eyes before started to fall down her cheeks. How could she not be moved by this? “I’m so, so sorry…”

“And I can’t not feel guilty. It was his choice, but he wouldn’t have to make a decision if I didn’t offer him the position on the team. If I hadn’t asked him to stay.” Grieved the man. Maybe he was right, but that was the magic about choices: you never know where it might lead you. It was just regrettable that Bucky’s had ended up there, but in the same way, it still wasn’t anybody’s fault, not Steve’s, nor Bucky’s. It was the HYDRA soldier’s fault, and maybe not even that.

“Oh, Steve, he would have stayed anyway. You know that.” The agent affirmed. Anyone with a pair of eyes at that base knew just how loyal one was with the other. If Steve wasn’t so awful at hiding what he felt and if Bucky didn’t flirt with any woman who showed up in front of him, she would swear that the two of them were in love with each other. They were, actually, but in a fraternal and platonic way. “He would never abandon you to fight a war on your own. From what you have told me, not even in the fights on Brooklyn he left your side. How could you expect him to abandon you on something so important to you like this?

“I know. I just can’t help but feel this way.”

Peggy was searching for words to ease the pain he felt a little, but they weren’t coming. She knew, knew it was impossible, but was still trying, maybe because she also knew how devastating the situation was, and didn’t want to leave him alone in it. In the end, after a few minutes of silence, she knew what to say. It was the last thing she wanted to talk about, but Steve needed to grasp that she understood. That she also went through something like that and survived it.

“I know nothing I say will make it better. But you’re not alone. You have the Commandos, you have the SSR, and, more importantly, you have me.” Peggy explained, making sure he knew he had a support system at every instant, before catching her breath and starting talking hesitantly. “You know I had a brother, right?”

“Michael, wasn’t it?” Asked Steve, remembering the few times the woman mentioned her brother.

“That’s right. Michael always was my rock. He always was the person who believed in me the most, who encouraged me the most.” Said Peggy, breathing deeply when a wave of emotion hit her, same as every time she spoke about her late brother. “We fought like cats and dogs, believe me, but he was an amazing brother. And he believed in my potential even before I did.” The agent completed wistfully. She missed Michael every single day.

“You told me that he died, but never said how.” Steve spoke hesitantly, because despite wanting to know more about her and her brother, he didn’t want to force her to talk about a difficult subject.

“He was in the RAF. One of their best pilots. Killed in action in 1940.”

“I… I’m so sorry, Peg.” What else could he say? In the same position as Peggy, words didn’t ease the loss of a loved one. Steve was starting to see she did understood more than he thought she did.

“I know, my darling. It’s been five years, and I still miss him terribly.” She gave him a sad smile, one that always showed up when she mentioned her brother. Breathing deeply, she went on. “I used to work as a code breaker at Bletchley Park in the beginning of the war. I was engaged and was going to marry as soon as my fiancé’s unit came back from basic training. Michael came to my engagement party and at the end of it asked me what I was doing there. I had gotten an offer to work in the Special Operations Executives months before and he said it was because he had recommended me, because he knew I wanted to fight, I wanted to help and join in, to be more than just a coder. I said to him that I had a duty to our parents, that I had to stay there and get married. One of the last things he said to me was that I need to be who I wanted to be, not who our parents wanted me to be. Two weeks after that, two days before my wedding, we received the news that he had been killed in action.” She told him, her voice soft remembering such difficult period, which became a whisper in the end, with her taken by the memories and the longing for her brother.

“Wow. Peg, I…”

“No, Steve,” She interrupted him, her voice still soft, but firm. Peggy didn’t want him thinking she was telling him that to get his pity. “I’m telling you this because as soon as I saw those officials on my front door, telling us that my brother would never come back… the first thing I thought was that I had let him down. That he died without being proud of me. So I ended my engagement and took the position at SOE. Then I enlisted to the Air Force – the Women’s Auxiliary division that is –, just like my big brother, and I felt proud of myself, because in that moment I felt I wasn’t only accepting the destiny I wanted, the right destiny over the easy one, but also that I was honoring him that way. After that, I conquered position after position, until I got to where I am today. But I can’t help but think that if I had done that earlier, maybe, somehow, I could had altered something that wouldn’t result in Michael’s death. Or, at least, that he would have died proud of his sister. Except, despite carrying this guilt, I can’t change the past. Nobody can. I can’t change my choices now; the same way Michael couldn’t change them before he died. And I made my peace with it. Now, when I feel like I can’t handle his loss, or the guilt and the regret try to take over me, I remember that I’m honoring his memory in the best way possible. And there’s nothing more I can do about it. Do you understand what I’m trying to say?” She asked, almost breathless in the end, but hoping she had helped with his dilemma. It wasn’t a fun or easy story to tell, but if it would help Steve deal with Bucky’s loss, she would tell it a thousand times. She just hoped that with it, the guilt he felt wasn’t so great anymore. The pain, however, she couldn’t do anything but to stand by his side offering her support.

“Unfortunately, yes.” He whispered lost in thought, reflecting about all she had said.

“It’s going to hurt for a long while, Steve.” Peggy declared, after few quiet instants. “Probably, the hole he left will never be rebuilt again. But it gets bearable. And every day you will find ways of honoring him. And you can count on me for that.” She promised, coming closer and hugging him, showing him that her words weren’t just words.

“I’m sorry for the mood.” Steve whispered against her hair, loving having her in his arms again, even if it was in such situation. “I know I’m not the best company these days.”

“I knew what I was getting myself into when I agreed to you, Steve. With your dramatics or not.” The agent joked, but stepping back a little and looking him in the eyes intensely for him to understand it was true.

“Even so, tomorrow is the big day. Shouldn’t you be inside, there, enjoying the party?” Steve questioned, a little shy. She standing so near, being so her, and it was giving him ideas, but it wasn’t time to happen yet. So, he changed the subject, expecting her to distance herself with it, which she didn’t.

“Well, it’s crowded in there, warm and noisy. Here is quieter, cooler, and I get you to myself. It isn’t a hard choice.”

“You mean that if it was emptier and without so much body heat in there, I would be traded for a bar and a dance floor?” He was faux-offended, drawing a loud laugh out of her. Oh, how he loved her laughter. War wasn’t a place for laughter, but as soon as it was over, he promised himself he would make her produce the sound he was so in love with every single day.

“I was never too picky, and who could resist a good whisky? Not mentioning the Commandos. Crowded or not, I doubt anyone could take those alcoholics away from there. At least not Dum Dum. You would have to share me with them.” She continued the conversation’s playful tone, but couldn’t help repeating his words next. Everything was happening in such impressive speed, with such intensity she didn’t expected, and was making her anxious for the end. “Tomorrow is the big day.”

“Worried about our odds?”

“With you on our side? Never.” Peggy joked again, before taking a more serious tone, without stopping staring at him intensely. “I’m anxious for all this to end. I know it won’t be instantaneous, but I feel inside me that tomorrow is the beginning of the end.”

“I feel it too, and it couldn’t come at a better time. Even Captain America gets tired of fighting, at some point.”

They were again talking about their implicit future together and, as every time it happened, it gave them a fluttering feeling in their stomachs and made it impossible for his eyes to let go of her face.

“Well, don’t worry. I feel after tomorrow you will get your rest.” The agent guaranteed, a slight curve appearing in her lips.

“With you, if everything works out.” He affirmed more than asked, but she didn’t correct him. His hopeful tone and shy smile mirrored hers, who couldn’t help but smiling looking at him.

“With me.”

A few instants passed with them locked in a shared look, before the man started talking again, knowing if he continued looking at her without a conversation happening to distract his brain, he would pull her closer and would end the distance between their lips in a blink of an eye.

“We never discussed it, right? We always talked about the waiting, but never talked in detail about what would come after it.” The man asked lowly. It wasn’t fear of being overheard, but the pressure the subject seemed to bring on. A pressure of eagerness and anticipation.

“No, we didn’t discussed it. I think we were afraid to jinx it or dare fate by planning too much. Neither of us wanted to raise the expectations too high.” Peggy responded in the same tone, still looking at him in a way that stirred everything inside him. She needed to stop doing that or he wouldn’t resist it. Peggy didn’t have a clue of the effect she had on him.

“Do you think it would be jinxing talking about it now?”

“Well, luck, statistics and probabilities are on our side.” She pondered, thinking about the extensive meeting they had that afternoon. “And I think it would be a good time to mention that Phillips gave me an effective post at New York’s base, as soon as our work here is over.”

“Are you serious?” asked Steve, dumbfounded. He hadn’t thought of where they would live after the war, but knowing she would be moving to New York felt so right as if it was the plan all along. “This… this is incredible, Peg! But what about your position here in London?”

“Well, at the moment, both the SSR and the MI6 use me as a liaison. I’m free to choose in which of them I want to stay in.”

“You would choose New York over London? For me?” He asked, still dumbfounded. Was he dreaming? He loved his city, but would give up anything for Peggy. And to hear her saying the same… it felt like a dream.

“Steve, I know I wasn’t the most open person in this strange relationship of ours… but, as long as I can continue to do my work, I would go anywhere for you.” She said, laughing at his surprised face. Unlike him, she wasn’t attached to a single city, and had spent a good while on American soil to know she would adapt there with no problems. “And you weren’t thinking about a transcontinental relationship, were you? Because I’m sorry to break it to you, darling, but reality isn’t as romantic as theory.”

“No, no. I… I think it’s an incredible idea. I just didn’t think you would be willing to do this for me.” He laughed embarrassed, still surprised she was willing to do such thing for him.

“How many times do I have to tell you, Steve Rogers, that I would do anything for you? You think I’m worth all these years of waiting, well, I think you are worth moving to the other side of the Atlantic.”

“It’s just hard to accept. To get used to the idea that I’m not alone anymore.”

“So get used to it. Accept it. And know every dream you thought it wouldn’t come true, we will make them true together. Ok?” Peggy asked rhetorically, looking at him with such intensity that made the man tremble under her look, and not in a bad way.

“Ok.”

They barely noticed that during the conversation they got so much closer than they were already before. It was palpable in the air that they both longed the touch of their lips, and couldn’t take their eyes off each other. Tentatively, as if they were moving in slow motion, they moved their faces even closer, to the point they felt each other’s breathing, the eyes instinctively closing, the hearts beating faster, just a little more, almost, closer –

– just to be distracted and startled by a noise at the room’s entrance. Even with the moon lighting it up by the hole where the ceiling gave up, it was dark enough for nobody to see what almost happened, but both of their hearts were still beating relentlessly fast in their chests, like they had been struck by lightning.

The noise came from Gabe, who came to tell the bar was closing and everyone was going back to the base to rest a little before the mission in a few hours. Not trusting his voice, Steve just nodded, confirming they would soon follow.

Muted, Peggy and Steve stared at each other, startled with the fact they were almost caught. However, in their minds, the almost that mattered was the few inches missing between their lips. Knowing it was risky and the mood had passed, they got up and joined the rest of their friends, coming back to the bar without drawing attention to both of them, and soon were back at the base. Steve accompanied Peggy till the feminine dorms wing, wanting to say, wanting to do so much, but knowing he couldn’t. In the end, he decided to go with something neutral, that didn’t even get close to the turmoil of feelings he had inside. However, they were in a common area of the base, and couldn’t do much.

“Well, you’re delivered. Goodnight, Peggy. Sweet dreams.”

“Goodnight, Steve. You too, you’re going to need your energy tomorrow. See you in a few hours.” The woman replied softly, sharing the same wish. With a nod, he turned and started to go in the direction of his room, but a thought made it impossible not to turn and go back, just as she was closing the door.

“I lo… I can’t barely wait for tomorrow to come and the wait is over. Can’t barely wait to have you.” He confessed, knowing it would seem silly to just come back to say that, but her proximity from earlier was still stirring something in his system. In turn, the agent didn’t think it was that silly, since she gave him a sweet smile and returned the wish.

“Me too, Steve, me too. Just a little more and we will be together.”

•

**MAY OF 1947**

**STORK CLUB, NEW YORK**

Peggy was waiting for Howard for about forty minutes now. The scientist agreed to meet her on her “favorite” club, by his suggestion. Normally, he would end up there because of her, keeping her company when her nostalgia, her misery and longing took the best of her, or when the both of them were in the mood of reminiscing old times. However, he had never suggested it on his own free will until that moment.

The agent wouldn’t thought it strange if it wasn’t for the fact that Howard just got to New York the week before, had been on his trip since the meeting with Phillips. Knowing that, and knowing what the club meant to her, Peggy knew in the moment he invited her that, once again, he hadn’t succeeded.

It wasn’t a problem. It broke her heart, but it wasn’t a problem. She didn’t created expectations this time, learning from her previous experience, and wasn’t totally devastated with that conclusion. Was it still disappointing and heartbreaking to know Steve was still lost in the world, alone, forgotten by everyone he died protecting? Obviously, yes. She wanted to scream. She wanted to rip her chest open if it meant the pain would lessen. But she wasn’t surprised. She wasn’t caught unaware or unprepared. And that was still a victory.

She had accepted the reality. She didn’t think it was right. She didn’t think it was fair. She wanted to act like a child, wanted to scream and kick and make a scene until she got what she wanted. But it wasn’t possible. There was no way. So, she was resigned to pass the rest of her time missing him. It was the price to pay for having known someone so special as Steve was.

That month was the second anniversary of his disappearing. Captain America was now a war memory. Remembered by the masses only when they remembered it. It was the disappointing part of becoming history, of becoming a legend. They weren’t alive. They were only remembered when it was convenient.

But Steve? Steve Rogers would be eternally the memory of her life. Steve wouldn’t be only remembered when it was convenient, since the man was still in every piece of her, recorded in every gesture, in every action.

Peggy had learned to accept it. She didn’t have his presence there with her, and that notion was a crushing one. But she had his essence. She had his memories. She had his ideals, opinions, and tastes engraved in her memory. Every trace of his face. The sound of his voice. The sound of his laughter. The feeling of his touch. He was still gone, but he left a part of him behind, with her. It took her a long while to get to that point of acceptance, but she was there. She was still grieving, still missing him. But she was surviving. And Peggy knew it was what Steve would have wanted.

Well, she wouldn’t survive if Howard continued to insist on standing her up for much longer. She had already ordered two drinks, and if she had to order one more before he arrived, the scientist wouldn’t find her at the club when he got there. Because, no mattered how curious she was, she would not wait for him for more than an hour alone. The next time he wanted to talk to her, he would have to go to her. She didn’t have time or patience to waste.

After a few minutes just observing her surroundings, looking at the couples on the dance floor, she rolled her eyes and ordered her third drink, which arrived almost immediately. She pondered if she should put them on Howard’s tab for making her wait so much, before her mind was taken again by a million thoughts. It was Saturday and it didn’t matter if she was on leave, S.H.I.E.L.D hardly left her mind those days. There was so much to do and they were only getting started, but she was excited with the work ahead. No matter how much she had learned with her stay on the SSR, it had been a long time since she was so captivated by her work, and that feeling left her on a high. A million and one ideas and doubts and notes to remember were coming to her mind when she finally felt someone on her side.

“You need a lesson to remember the etiquette of what is socially acceptable.” Said Peggy, turning around and meeting Howard’s embarrassed smile. Briefly looking at the clock on the wall behind them, she continued. “Making someone, woman or not, friend or not, wait for you for fifty-five minutes definitely isn’t acceptable, Howard.”

“I know, I know. I’m sorry. But I have the perfect excuse that is going to make you forgive me in an instant.” Said the man, and calling for the bartender to bring a glass of the whiskey neat she was drinking, before turning to her once more, despite keeping eyeing the entrance. 

“I don’t care if you were with the Pope. One hour, Howard. One hour! I have better things to do with my time.” Peggy complained, analyzing him from head to toe. He looked good physically, despite looking a mix of exhaustion and the kind of excitement only various cups of coffee provided. Why had he called her if he was in such state?

“Not the Pope, no, but almost. You will understand.” He shot back, drinking a sip of his whisky as soon it arrived, but still eyeing the door constantly. Peggy hadn’t seen him that way since the mess with Dottie; Howard became paranoid that the Russian spy would come back for him for retribution. The agent was certain the woman had other priorities, like avoiding being arrested, but her friend didn’t believe her. She didn’t think it was a good idea to drink alcohol in the state he was in, and maybe it was better to leave the scolding for another time and go home. He wouldn’t have been late if it wasn’t important, and she wasn’t in condition of arguing with him. Sighing, she drank all of the whiskey, and turned to him.

“Look, it’s fine, things happen. How about we try again tomorrow, after you rested a little? Three drinks are enough, to be honest.” Or not, but she needed to get him out of there, before he passed out. She got up and tried to pull him out of his seat by the arm, but the man wasn’t helping. “Howard, c’mon! Cooperate, please. Let’s go home, and I promise we come back tomorrow.”

“No! We can’t go yet, Peggy!” He replied, and the woman let out a tired sigh. Why she continued to be his friend when he just gave her more trouble?

“Why not, Howard? You clearly are exhausted and in no condition to be one more hour away from your bed, and I’m frustrated after waiting for you for an hour. Can’t we come back another day, please?” She tried to bargain with her friend, asking God for a neuron in Howard’s brilliant mind not to be drunk in caffeine and rationalize that was the best option.

“Look, Peg, I’m good. A little tired, nothing more.” He said, drawing a scoff out of her. She was a little tired. Howard was practically dead on his feet. “We can’t go yet, because he’s coming.”

“Who’s coming?” Peggy asked tiredly, without patience for his enigmas and messes. She should have stayed home. 

“You will see. I wanted to explain it to you properly, but it seems you’re not going to let me do it and I will not allow you to have this experience ruined for a second time. So, just know I did all of this for you, that I’m going to be fine, and please, enjoy the night. Tomorrow I will explain everything to you.” Howard said cryptically, before drinking all of his whiskey and getting up like her, embracing her in a tight hug. “It took a long while, but we made it. And now you get to be happy, Peg.”

“What? Howard, you’re not making any sense.” She shot back confused, not understanding anything of what was happening, much less of what her friend was talking about. Was he under the influence of anything more than caffeine?

“You are going to understand in a few seconds. Go after your happiness, Peg. You, more than anyone, deserve it.” He whispered in her ear, letting her go from his hug and kissing her forehead briefly. Peggy thought it was strange; Howard was never affectionate like that. However, before she could question his weird behavior, he held her by the shoulders, and turned her towards the entrance.

There, under an archway in the middle of the way between where she was and the door, was the last thing she expected to see. A tall, blond, strong broad-shouldered man with a face she could recognize anywhere, in a dark blue suit, was looking at her with such an intensity she knew so well, even being a few good feet away from where he was.

Standing there and smiling at Peggy as if he was glimpsing something heavenly, he was; looking so much more alive than he should. Looking like one of her dreams, but a million times more real. Looking like everything she ever wanted, ever wished, ever desired. Looking like the last two years never happened.

Standing there was Steven Grant Rogers, in all of his glory and perfection, smiling at her. Casually being the love of her life.

Peggy didn’t even notice the air leaving her lungs, or her jaw dropping, or covering her lips and part of her dumbfounded expression with a shaky left hand. Also shaky were her shoulders with the silent sobs that were beginning to escape her body, while she devoured the vision in front of her, barely noticing she was crying while her brain tried to register what she was seeing.

She turned to Howard suddenly, wanting to ask what was happening, and if what she was seeing was real, but the shock was so great she couldn’t make a word leave her mouth. Trying to pretend he wasn’t moved by it all and with a large smile on his face, he nodded, understanding what she was silently asking.

It was enough.

Not hesitating a second, she went for Steve, not caring she was bumping into and pushing people, walking faster and faster, since every second away from his arms was a second too long. She barely noticed she was running when there was only a few feet separating them, only registering the feeling of finally being home again when she collided with him and he took her in a tight hug.

Peggy cried openly, feeling her crying echo on all of her body. She didn’t care she was in public. She didn’t care if she was wetting his suit. Nothing mattered anymore, because Steve was there. After two long, excruciating years; after so much pain, so much suffering, he was there, and he was holding her. She could feel him crying too and that only made her hug him harder, feeling the home she longed for so long in his embrace.

“I’m sorry I’m late. I’m sorry I missed our date, that I missed our dance.” He whispered against her ear, still hugging her, his voice heavy but so, so loving. “I’m sorry for everything I put you through. I’m sorry I left you, Peggy.”

Shaking her head and still crying hard, she retreated a little, just enough to look him in the eyes. Even having memorized every inch of his face, her memory didn’t do him justice. He looked even more beautiful, just because he was there, with her, alive.

“Oh, my darling. It only matters that you’re here.” She said, before doing what she longed for so long, ever since he took off on the Valkyrie. With his face between her hands, she looked at him once more, having trouble believing that was real, but not even her best dreams did his eyes justice. Closing her eyes, letting more tears fall on her cheeks, she once more touched paradise with her fingers, and, moving their faces closer, she kissed him.

With all of her reverence, all of her passion and all of her longing, she kissed him. With all of the pain she felt when she lost him, with all of the suffering that was to live two years without him and with all of the fear that threatened to kill her by living in a world without him, she kissed him.

With all of her love, all of her soul and all her body, she kissed him.

And he kissed her back, retaking all of what those years apart and waiting took from them. With all the intensity of the red, all of the anticipation of the wait, all of the regret of leaving her, he kissed her.

In a kiss, fire and heaven met once more. And they didn’t plan that to be the only time again.

Ending the kiss that took them on millions of dreams faster than they wanted to, but needing oxygen, the magical moment that once again transformed seconds in longing, now about the wasted time, they stepped back just a little. Still with her face covered by tears, Peggy whispered staring at him, knowing that she would never make the mistake of waiting for the perfect moment ever again. The perfect moment was now, with the right partner holding her with all the certainty in the world that nothing would stop them.

“I love you, Steve Rogers.”

“I love you, Peggy Carter.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you have enjoyed it!
> 
> This was first written in portuguese, in the end of 2017, a few months before Infinity War was released. I needed to reunite my beloved ship, and for whatever reason, Marvel felt the same and reunited them in Endgame. I was so happy, and when I decided to post this, I noticed that this story could - kinda - be canon compliant. So, this could have been how Steve and Peggy met again, you never know. Steve only said it was beautiful, so I kinda think this fits haha. 
> 
> This has been beta read by my wonderful and incredible friend Bruna, who kindly agreed to beta'd it again, after beta reading this the first time around in portuguese. You're amazing and I love you, Bru. You can see her works here: [blue_fairytale](https://archiveofourown.org/users/blue_fairytale/).
> 
> I also participated in another day of this Steggy Week. You can see my other story in my profile. 
> 
> Again, English isn't my first language. If you noticed any mistakes, please contact me and I'll fix it.


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